Life is so incredibly short.

Remember back when you were little and 40 seemed so old? Hell, I remember thinking that 30 was old. It's funny how you perceive time as a kid - like life is never-ending and time will just go on forever. If only that were true, the only heartaches we'd ever have to learn to mend would be small ones.

My family buried my cousin today - Steven Ivey. He was only 41 years old, and father to three teenage sons. He was just a beautiful person - always the life of the party - smiling, cutting up, telling jokes, and always willing to help you if you needed help. He was supposed to get married this Saturday, February 14th, and was celebrating with some buddies at his bachelor party last Friday night. Suddenly he didn't feel well and asked to be taken home. Shortly after he arrived home, he collapsed and died. We're still awaiting autopsy results, but the number one theory right now is a blood clot that went to his heart. The two things that was repeated over and over again at the funeral was "Steve was always the first one to volunteer to help," and "If you weren't his friend, it didn't take him long to make you his friend." And let me tell you....by the capacity of the crowd there today - I can tell you that was true. I've never seen so many people packed into Harpeth Hills Funeral Home. It speaks wonders to the type of person he was....he impacted so many lives in his 41 short years, especially the lives of his children. He was described as "a man of velvet and steel."

You know, I only hope that when my day comes, I will have just as many folks show up for my funeral who will remember me as the person who always came to the rescue, or the person who always answered the phone at 2 a.m. when you were in crisis or just needed to talk - and more importantly - I hope to be remembered as someone who you could always depend on. I know my life has become extremely hectic and busy over the last several years, but anyone who knows me knows that if you need my help (even if it's just to lend an ear), I'm always there the first free moment I get.

My great aunt passed away on January 17th, and Kelly's uncle just prior to that, and now Steven - it's just a huge wake-up call. You always hear "life is short," but how often do you really take the time or get the opportunity to see how short life really is? Joe Martin, motivational speaker, says, "Once you're born, you're dying." Deep down, we all know that we're dying, but there's still that portion of our brain that thinks we have so much more time than we really have. Do any of us ever truly live like we're dying? In the last seven months, I've truly been trying to live like that - enjoy life, love people, be a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, a good granddaughter, etc.

None of us ever really think that when we're saying goodbye to someone as they're departing that it could literally be the last time you ever see that person alive. I know this blog is taking a morbid tone, but it's sincerely not meant to be interpreted that way. I just want you all to think about how you treat people throughout the day, and how you depart. Did you tell your mom you love her before you said goodbye? Did you thank your best friend for always being there for you? If it were the last time you saw that person, would you feel good about the last words spoken between the both of you? We don't take the time to think about these things, yet we should.

So, I will be sending out messages over the next several days to some friends and family members just letting you all know how I feel about you because in all honesty, who knows if I'll be here tomorrow or next week or next month or next year? I'm not real good with expressing my feelings to people, but I'm going to make an effort over the next several days to send a little message to those of you I'm closest to....after all, I may not ever get the chance to do it again, and I don't want to leave this earth with words left unspoken. None of us are ever promised tomorrow - we're only promised right now - so live like you're dying.

Don't blink

Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you

Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife

Don't blink

You just might miss your babies growing like mine did

Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"

Of fifty years is there in bed

And you're praying God takes you instead

Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think

So don't blink

- Kenny Chesney, excerpted from "Don't Blink"

Update, and life changes.

For those who no longer have myspace (Kim...lol), I will be posting my myspace blogs here. Here's the latest (part of this applies to myspace, so just keep that in mind so it makes sense):

For those of you who don't know, my great aunt passed away on Saturday after a short illness. I know it sounds crazy, but I haven't had a good cry yet. I mean, I just handed the phone to my mom when my Aunt Shirley was on the other end telling me that my Aunt Lora had just died....I couldn't even speak. I went back to my room and cried a little, but nothing like what I expected I would. I didn't even cry at the funeral home. I just thought, "Wow, she looks good. They did a really good job." Is that morbid or wrong?

My aunt was in Vanderbilt on Wednesday, January 7th, and she had two balloons keeping her heart pumping. The doctor told the family there was nothing more that they could do, and that we needed to decide if we were going to leave them in or remove them - either way, they were temporary and would only last a couple of days at most. My family opted to remove them. We were told she wouldn't last more than two days. However, two days later, she was moved to Alive Hospice (which was much nicer, I might add).

I went to see her every single day with the exception of one, and that was spent with my best friend because her uncle had just passed away suddenly. But every other day - I was there - adjusting her bed, holding her hand, getting her water....so why haven't I cried? What's wrong with me? Part of me isn't sad that she's gone because she had gotten to the point in the final couple of days where she was only able to drink water from the end of a needleless syringe - she didn't have the strength to even drink from a straw anymore. She was barely eating....essentially, she was going to end up starving to death. I would hate for anyone I care about to meet their fate like that. Part of me believes she's up in Heaven bitching at my Uncle Gene for some stuff we jokingly reminded her of before her departure.

I have to be thankful for this: She stayed in good spirits up until the very end, I had over a week to spend time with her, joke with her, and tell her goodbye, and she didn't die in a struggle - she took one final deep breath and was gone. How many people are fortunate enough to get a week+ to say goodbye to their loved ones? I was so lucky, and now she is in a better place - or so I believe, anyway.

Changes

Like the old Sam Cooke song - "A change is gonna come." And for once I'm not talking about politics (though, I must mention that yesterday was highly reassuring and highly anticipated for me, and I was overjoyed to see Obama sworn into office, and at last, to see George W. Bush exiting the White House for the final time as "President" of the United States).

This is something I've been thinking about for a long time, and perhaps it was watching the life leave my aunt day after day that pushed me to the edge of evolution, but regardless, a change is gonna come.

There are people whom I have let stay in my life even though I know that they're either not good people, or they've intentionally tried to sabotage me in some form or fashion for some unknown reason. I've tried desperately to be a good friend to everyone, and why that same respect and graciousness hasn't been returned - I don't know, and I no longer care.

For the friends of mine who have been absolutely amazing to me - Kelly I., Kelly S., Michael, Jayme, Timbo, Kim - just to name a few, it's not fair for me to take time and effort away from the people who do treat me with kindness, dignity, and respect and give it to someone who is complacent, malicious, sneaky, vindictive, troublesome, and/or hateful. I mean, why remain "friends" with someone if you truly care nothing about helping them out, seeing them succeed, or simply just attempting to be a true friend? That tells me that you either have alterior motives, or you just like hanging around to see what kind of drama you can stir up - that ends now.

I am also walking away from anyone with ties to my negative past. I feel like the only way to truly move forward is to put your past behind you, and that is exactly what I intend to do. I am happy with myself internally for the first time in years. My friend Kelly said this is the happiest she's seen me in 10 years. TEN YEARS, PEOPLE! My happiness doesn't come from anyone - for once, it comes from within myself, and it took me a lot of time, effort, and realization to make it out of the darkness into this amazing light. I can't let negative influences lure me back into the darkness, so, in the next several days, you'll see my number of friends decrease.

For the people who I don't talk to and don't talk to me - you're gone. For the people who are iconic of my negative past - outta here. For the people who have tried intentionally to bring me down - gone.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have
imagined." - Henry David Thoreau

"Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live
forever." - Gandhi

"Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your
future lies." - Ann Landers

"Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up
depends on us." - Thomas L. Holdcroft

I want to be polished - not grinded down - and the only way for that to happen is for me to continue to forge ahead and make positive changes. I have changed my attitude, I have changed my outlook on life, I have even changed my eating habits....but I haven't changed the people who I allow into my life. That's my next step in moving forward. So, if you disappear, you at least have an explanation of why.

This has nothing to do with being hateful or being a bitch or anything of the sort - quite the contrary, actually. I would like to think that if someone was bringing you down or holding you back, you would do the same - set yourself free to live the life that you have imagined. That's simply what I'm doing....cutting some strings to allow myself to fly even higher.

Tomorrow Changes Everything.

Tomorrow is Election Day. I'm anxious, excited, nervous, and hopeful. It's no secret that I am a loyal Democrat who voted for Barack Obama - that's pretty widely known by anyone who knows me. I have learned more about politics in the last two years than I ever thought possible, even taking a Political Science class in school for fun (though, fun is not the word I would use to describe it now!). I have pondered over so many things throughout the course of this brutal election season, and I have very much come into my political skin.

I have always been a Democrat, as long as I can remember. As a matter of fact, when I was in kindergarten back in 1988 (so long ago!), we had mock elections. Who to vote for - George Bush or Michael Dukakis? Well, even then, I voted for the Democratic candidate - Michael Dukakis. I know what you're thinking, and no, my political foundations were not formed at age 5, but I did find it rather funny thinking all the way back to kindergarten and realizing that I was little Democrat back then...lol.

I've always been a people's person. What is that? I wouldn't say that I necessarily believe in distribution of wealth, but I do believe in fair taxation. And I do believe in everyone looking out for their fellow man - if your neighbor is starving and you have an extra piece of bread, give it to them. I'm just the type of person that believes that we are all in this thing together, and that we should all try to help each other as much as we can. The fact that a third of this country doesn't have healthcare is astonishing to me. The fact that people are dying because they can't afford healthcare is disturbing and heartbreaking to me.

Anyway, not to delve too much into my political rantings, but tomorrow changes everything. Will we get four more years of a Bush-like administration, or will we be blessed with someone new and different, someone who allows us to hope once again? The next president will leave office in January 2013, assuming there's no reelection. I'll be thirty years old. Sure, that doesn't sound too old to some of you, but when you're nearing 26, thirty seems like a million years away.

If all goes well, I will hopefully be a wife and a mother by age thirty, so the next presidential administration will very much so have an impact on my life. It's terrifying thinking that I may have to endure four more years like the last eight. If that ends up being the case, I will have to postpone family life, because if things continue as they are, I won't be able to afford to have a family during this next administration. It's scary...the last 4 years of my life have been horrible financially, and much of that is due to an ailing economy.

I'm ready for change. I'm ready to be able to hope again, and when Barack Obama speaks, he gives me hope. I feel passionate about politics, and passionate about this country when Obama speaks. I feel like the American Dream is truly achievable when he speaks. I only hope that enough others feel the same way I do and choose wisely tomorrow, because tomorrow changes everything.

No, not NOW!

I have the biggest interview of my young life tomorrow morning at the Tennessee Democratic Party, and afterwards, I need to go get all of my "Intent to Graduate" paperwork filled out because it's the last day I'm going to have time to do it, and now, guess what? My battery light is flashing continuously on my car!! Checked the battery, connections are tight, no apparent problems. The battery is only about two years old, so this is way too early to be having problems out of it. As if my air compressor problems haven't been bad enough. So now, I have to solve the problem with the blower on my air conditioner, AND figure out what the hell is going on with my battery! GRRRR! My only other alternative is to drive my mom's truck which I can't see out of, and I can't afford to put gas in (It's $100 just to fill it up).

I got a little bit of grant money from school which I was going to use to put tires on my car, but now I owe $500 in gas on my credit card, and now the battery problem (which I pray isn't the alternator). My dad was supposed to put the blower on my car this weekend, but he ended up at the freakin' hospital yesterday and is gonna have to have his gall bladder removed, which means no air for a good while in my car unless I come up with the $70/hour for labor at the dealership. GRRR!

All will work out, it just sucks right now!

Sometimes It's Best to Keep to Yourself

I've made a decision...From here on out, I'm not going to offer to help anyone unless they ask for help. I mean, I'm still gonna open doors for handicapped folks, and pick up stuff if someone drops it, but for the real hardcore issues - nah.

I have this overwhelming urge to always try to fix everyone and/or their problems, and it's something that I really need to stop. While my intentions are always honorable, it just ends up causing me problems that I don't need (I have enough of those already). I've gotta stop jumping in and offering up help because I think it causes me to some times overstep my boundaries, and that's not my intention. But regardless, it's one of my "issues" that I need to work on, a habit that I need to break.

I've done it with people I've dated, I do it with friends, I do it with random acquaintances that I might happen to strike up a conversation with - and I don't know why I still continue to do it because I have yet to fix anyone or solve anyone's problems. I guess it's just the humanitarian in me who always wants to lessen everyone else's pain, all the while, I'm just creating a pain of sorts for myself. I'm just the type of person who would rather take someone else's pain upon myself than to watch someone I care about be in distress. This is a blessing and a curse, I guess you could say. It's helped me to create some inseparable bonds, but it's also caused tension.

So, if you need my help with something, don't hesitate to ask. I just can't be jumping into other peoples' issues anymore. This is better for everyone, but I'm still always gonna be here for my friends....the only difference is that you may just have to actually ask for my help this time because I don't want to intrude on anyone's lives.

Some Things I've Learned About Life

Looking around at both people I know and people who I'm slightly acquainted with, it's just made me realize how far I've truly come in life. Yes, I'm still in college, and yes, I live with my parents, but this is only temporary - simply the means to get me to the next step in life. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do in order to move forward, but so long as you keep a clear head and a constant focus on a positive end-goal, I think you'll be just fine.

Some things I've learned throughout the years....

• If you don't try, you won't succeed.
• If you sit around waiting for things to just magically come to you, I hope you have a really comfortable chair because you're gonna be there for a good while.
• Hanging out in bars all the time only gets you two things: 1) in trouble, 2) and conformation to your surroundings.
• Life is too short to be bitter and angry about everything all the time: If you don't like your life - CHANGE IT.
• If you don't care to make the changes necessary to make things better for yourself, then don't complain when things go awry because there's a 99% chance that it's no one's fault but your own.
• Don't borrow money if you don't intend to pay it back.
• Help your friends when you can, and the good ones will reciprocate.
• There are some people that no matter how hard you try to help them, they're always gonna be worthless, hateful, lazy, dishonest, disrespectful, irresponsible, ignorant, etc.
• Don't buy things you can't afford.
• If you have children, don't let them run rampant through stores, parking lots, down streets, etc.
• Better yet, if you have children - keep your eyes on them at all times (and obey the leash law! Ha!)!
• If you have children and still spend a good majority of your life on the bar scene - your priorities are f*cked up.
• Sometimes you have to work a crappy job to get ahead in life.
• Don't rely on others for things you can do for yourself.
• You've gotta be able to take a step back, look at your life, and ask yourself, "Is this where I wanna be?"
• Always remember to say thank you - those two little words are more powerful than you know.
• Tell the people you love how you feel about them (at least say "I love ya" from time to time).
• Never take life for granted.
• Enjoy the simple things in life.
• Live each day like it's your last.
• Never go to bed angry.
• Milk and alcohol are NOT a good combination.
• Wait, that last one was sort of off-course wasn't it? Oops, I guess this one is too.
• Get in touch with your spiritual side - it will save you in your darkest hours.
• Pull over to the side of the road for emergency vehicles (yes, that's a little off-course too, but I had to mention it since an ambulance driver practically had to shove two cars out of the way to get them to move today).
• When you find yourself getting upset with someone - empathize. Put yourself in their shoes and see if it changes your reaction.
• Do random kind things for people on a regular basis and you will smile every single day.
• Blogging helps relieve stress.

100 Random Things About Me

My friend Heather did one of these a while back as part of her Blogging 101 post, so I felt compelled to do the same. Much the same, I don't even know if I can come up with 100 things about myself, but I'm gonna give it a shot.

1. I won't drink the last glass of tea from a tea container because those little tea grains gross me out.
2. My friend Jayme calls me "Lisser."
3. I met my boyfriend over two and a half years ago on MySpace, we met in person 7 months later, and we've been together ever since.
4. The only precious metal that I'm not allergic to is real gold.
5. I won't eat or drink after anyone, including my own boyfriend.
6. I'm a germophobe and I carry hand sanitizer with me everywhere I go.
7. People who drive slow in the hammer down lane really piss me off.
8. I despise my father so much that when I get married, not only do I not want him at the wedding, but I definitely don't want him giving me away.
9. I don't really care for sweets because they make me sick, but sometimes I have a craving and give in, and then get really nauseous afterwards.
10. I can't sleep with socks on.
11. I can't sleep when it's hot....I have an air conditioner, 2 pedestal fans and a ceiling fan going in my room every night...even in the wintertime sometimes.
12. I sleep with about 7 pillows on my bed unless David is home....and they all serve a purpose.
13. I have canvas totes that I take to the store so I can be more green, but 80% of the time I forget and leave them in the car.
14. My second toe is longer than my big toe. Yep, I'm a freak of nature unique.
15. I've had the same cell phone carrier and phone number since I was 17 years old.
16. I own my own pool stick and bowling ball.
17. I love going to the shooting range.
18. I am a very competitive sports fan.
19. I hate the New England Patriots, the Detroit Redwings, and the Boston Red Sox.
20. My favorite hockey team is the St. Louis Blues.
21. I love to sing, but I get really nervous when singing in front of people.
22. My mom owned an auto parts store for 30+ years, so that's where I spent nearly half my life.
23. I was the only chick in my auto mechanics class.
24. I was only the second student in 20 years to pass the Safety Exam with a 100 on the first try in auto mechanics (you had to pass it with a 100 before you could work in the shop), and I was the very first female to do so.
25. If it wasn't obvious from the previous 3 random facts, I absolutely love cars - especially classic sports cars from the 60's & 70's.
26. I'm a die-hard Honda girl.
27. I would love to run in a demolition derby one day.
28. I have been to game 1 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs every year Nashville has played in them.
29. I don't believe in organized religion.
30. I haven't been to church since I was 16.
31. I'm a very spiritual person.
32. I believe in ghosts.
33. My number one fear is losing my mom.
34. I have a Private Coach tattoo on my left ankle with my own custom art - a treble clef surrounded by flames.
35. My friend Patti and I got our tattoos together.
36. I drove all the way to St. Louis to see Prince in concert (and to go to a Blues game).
37. I drove all the way to Atlanta to see Black Label Society in concert.
38. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle changed my life.
39. I really want to go to law school.
40. French fries + ranch dressing = yum.
41. 99% of the time when I go to a restaurant (regardless of which restaurant), I order the exact same thing: a grilled chicken sandwich and a side salad.
42. I love to scrapbook.
43. I am obsessed with taking pictures of everything.
44. I often find myself crying during Oprah.
45. Speaking of crying, I cried several times during The Notebook.
46. Pay It Forward is one my favorite movies, and I try to spread its message and live its message whenever possible.
47. "Alright, alright, alright" - Matthew McConaughey is just freakin' hot, right down to the Southern accent.
48. Taylor Hicks can sing to me anytime he wants - I will gladly oblige.
49. Speaking of Taylor Hicks, I have 2 posters of him on my wall (and 2 more giant ones in poster tubes that won't fit on my walls).
50. My computer desk contains pictures of many of the people who matter most to me - David, Kelly, Jayme, Patti, Michael, Travis, and others.
51. I think I know the words to every Journey song.
52. I won't leave the house without makeup.
53. I wore the ring that Brent gave me so long without taking it off, that I now have scarred tissue in that finger (my ring finger!).
54. I no longer wear that ring.
55. The next ring that goes on that finger will be an engagement ring.
56. I am a total cheapskate - I shop around for days online before making a final buying decision.
57. My 1992 Honda Accord LX has rust spots, dents, 230K miles, and has been rear-ended twice since I've had it, but I've driven it for 6 years and I absolutely love that little car.
58. I read food labels religiously at the grocery store before I buy something.
59. 85% of the stuff I buy is sugar-free, no sugar added, or contains no high-fructose corn syrup.
60. Yet I'm still overweight.
61. Bonefish Grill is the best restaurant EVER.
62. I want to own a wide-variety no-kill animal shelter when I grow up.
63. I have over 20 hours of stuff on my TiVo box waiting to be watched.
64. I think I love Jon Stewart.
65. I absolutely love beer, but I don't drink very often.
66. I was a huge pothead back in my teen years.
67. I haven't done ANY drugs since June 2001.
68. When I quit doing drugs, I completely rearranged my priorities and ditched the vast majority of my friends.
69. I was an Honor Roll student all through middle and high school.
70. I've been on the Dean's List every semester since I've been in college.
71. I'm obsessed with politics.
72. Stem cell research fascinates me.
73. I HATE rap music.
74. I love nature photography.
75. I wish Extreme Makeover would come fix up my mom's house so she doesn't keep trying to do it herself (she's too old to do the stuff she does).
76. I was once fired from a job for not coming in on my day off.
77. When David is home, we mostly just lay in bed, cuddle, and watch TV.
78. I love pedicures.
79. I already have my wedding dress picked out, even though I haven't been asked that very important question yet.
80. I have my invitations picked out too.
81. And my tiara.
82. And my bridesmaids dresses.
83. I've always wanted to be proposed to at a hockey game via the JumboTron.
84. My favorite restaurant would be good too, I guess.
85. I really want a Honda Shadow (that's a motorcycle for those of you non-auto-savvy folks).
86. My dream is to own a huge farm in the Kingston Springs/Pegram area and to build a house for David & I, but also a house for my mom so she's always close by.
87. I like doing nice little things for random strangers.
88. I'm a stickler for good customer service.
89. I totally dig pilates.
90. Jack in the Box in Bellevue gave me a wicked case of food poisoning this summer.
91. I already have my kids' names picked out.
92. I love it when friends have babies because I get to shop for baby clothes - I LOOOOOVE baby clothes.
93. I have an aunt that I've never met, whom I've been trying to find for several years with no success.
94. I want to join the Peace Corps after I raise a family.
95. And I want David to go with me.
96. My dream honeymoon is a week in Ireland and a week in Scotland touring haunted castles.
97. Oh, and the beer manufacturing plants.
98. I hate wearing shoes, but floors gross me out, so I usually just compromise with flip-flops.
99. I once ran into Steve McNair at Kroger.
100. I can't live without my cell phone.

Oh my God! I actually did it - 100 things!