A good friend of mine, Tim, was in need last night, having a hard time with life, and I didn't know why. Tim's more than a friend, he's more like my big brother. He's looked out for me since I was 16 when I didn't have anyone to really lookout for my welfare out in the real world. He prevented my then-boyfriend from raping me. It's a long story as to how that came about, but he's always played the "big brother" role with me, and I love him just as much as I do my real brother, and I view them both equally, which may seem strange to some people. I'm actually closer to him than I am to my real brother, which is pretty sad.
Regardless, we had a similar week. I was sitting at home last night with my heart sunk down to my stomach, literally sick I was so sad, then I saw on facebook that he was clearly upset about something and started chatting with him. "I feel like dying" was enough to get me hard-pressed on finding out where he was, and after about 20 minutes of chatting, he finally told me where I was, and though exhausted, I got out of bed and went to find him and talk him out of what he was feeling, not knowing that he was hurting for much the same reason that I was.
Tim comes off as abrasive, much like I do, but when you get to know him, he's a very sensitive and caring person, regardless of how his long-haired, tattooed exterior presents him. I've seen him upset before, even sad, but I've never seen the man cry until last night. He was completely devastated. The first girl he's let in and loved since Angela (the first love of his life) had broken up with him after a big fight. I tried to remain strong because I could tell he was in worse shape than I was, but I shed a few tears with him anyway for my own pain. I know what he's going through...the first person I let in & cared about since David (the only real love of my life) broke my heart on Thursday. I didn't know what to say to him except that he at least has hope on his side because not only does he love her, but she loves him. Where there is love, there is always hope. I, on the other hand, have no hope. Love was one-sided in my situation. Explaining things in such a way helped him greatly, and we were able to skip around and talk about other things.
When David & I were together, we used to go hang out with Tim. Tim loved David, and David loved Tim. They became friends, and I was happy about it. Tim didn't like anyone I dated, he was very protective of me, but he couldn't ignore what everyone else also saw - David truly loved me. I remember after David left calling Tim and asking him to call David. All this time I have believed that Tim wasn't able to get a hold of David, but he confessed last night that he had spoken to him once, and that he didn't want to talk. It was almost as if it was hatred by association and that their friendship was overshadowed by David's resentment towards me. I have thought about that since I got home after hours of chatting. Tim said he knew in that moment that it was over and that there was nothing he could say to help the situation, but he knew I was already hurting and couldn't bring himself to tell me that at the time. Even now, 15 months later, that revelation was like a knife through my soul.
It already hurt that David left, but to know that he also wouldn't talk Tim, someone he considered a friend, someone he talked to when he was out on the road, it somehow made everything more real. But I guess I need that. I need things that will press me until both my mind and my heart will accept the true reality of things, which will maybe eventually allow me to heal and move forward without constantly having that pain buried deep inside of me that is always there, that pain that literally makes me sick to my stomach and makes me feel like my heart is sinking. I don't know what the answer is. I've never loved like this, so I've never hurt like this.
The latest heartache just added pain on top of pain. It's hard because I emotionally attach things to people which makes it hard for me to enjoy things that I loved with them after the fact. Lewis Black, for example. David & I loved him & watched all of his stuff together, so now, as much as I love Lewis Black, I'll probably always associate him with David to an extent. John Valby & Here Come the Mummies will probably always be things that I associate with Bobby. Songs, places, shows, movies, people....I hate that I create emotional attachments to everything. Everything has a memory attached to it. Sometimes when I'm flipping through my DVR, I'll see a movie listed that David & I watched together 4 or 5 years ago and automatically associate it with the moment we were lying in bed together watching it in our apartment and thus, refuse to watch it.
As previously stated so many times before, the fact that I feel as deeply as I feel and love as deeply as I love means that I hurt equally as deeply when things don't work out as imagined or when I lose something I care about it. Why I love so deeply and hurt so deeply, I guess I'll never know.
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