I was up all night as it was, had a miserable drive into school, got stood up by one of the professors, got hounded by a homeless guy begging for money for beer (at least he was honest), hadn't eaten because my nerves were shot, and I arrived home to an email that I felt was cold and relatively heartless. I burst into tears, replied, and then proceeded to cry even harder. Then I made a conscious decision to get up, go wipe off the mascara that had streamed down my face, and go to the gym, so that's exactly what I did. Felt okay for a little while, ate supper, but when I realized I was being totally erased, I burst into tears even harder. I just cried until I literally made myself sick. So much for my one meal of the day.
My emotions run deeper than most, so it's hard for me to understand how someone can invite you into their home, into their bed, whisper sweet nothings, hold you all night, and then completely erase you out of their lives like you never existed. It's especially beyond me to understand how people can do that and not even provide a valid reason why, just trivial bullshit that should be considered more of an annoyance than anything. And what happened to communication? Why is everyone so afraid of hurting someone else's feelings (or as I believe in this case, losing power) that they can't be honest?
I remember something I learned in therapy years ago...in a relationship, there must always be compromise. My therapist broke down the word to reveal a stronger meaning. Com = communication. Promise = the promise to always be honest and try to understand where the other person is coming from and meet in the middle. Together, the promise to be honest with each other and try to adapt & overcome...compromise. Why does no one feel the need to compromise anymore? Why are we wasting our time searching for someone who is going to fit perfectly into this little mold of what we define as "the perfect person"? That person doesn't exist. As optimistic as I normally am, I'm not naive enough to believe that there's a guy out there who's everything I want in a man. The closest I came was David...and there were still a few minor things that I wished were different, but he was close enough to perfect for me. You can't win 'em all, but he was the grand prize, in my eyes.
I called my ex, Brent, crying so hysterically last night my words were barely audible. Just like he calls me when something's wrong, I still call him. I expected coldness, but he was sad for me and spent over an hour on the phone with me, stating he'd stay on the line "as long as I need him to." One thing that he said to me is so reminiscent of what everyone who is close to me seems to say, "Your heart is so big and when you love somebody, you love the hell out of 'em. Most people just don't love like that...it's both a good thing and a bad thing because when someone hurts you, it tears you apart." Michelle says the same thing. Other exes have said the same thing. No one realizes this until after the fact....the people that should see this, the people that I want to see this and understand it, don't.
It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. The end result is always the same, whether after months or after years. Michelle said my fault is that I hold onto my pain like it's who I am, and base my behavior & reactions on my pain. Her exact words, "Your pain blocks your intent. You hold onto the pain and let it consume you." Maybe she's right...I don't know.
I felt the need to add this because I think it says so much, and definitely identifies with Michelle's theory...I asked a guy that I've went out with several times over the last year what his perception of me is. He's sweet, but not one to lie and asked me if I wanted an honest perspective or a sugar-coated one, so I, of course, opted for honest. He promised honesty, but told me he didn't want me to be mad or hurt by anything he said, so I braced for the worst. Here's what I got (copied & pasted, this is certainly not my grammatical norm!):
I mean .. I know you... kind of .. we have spent time together and talked alot..I would say.. that you are somewhat Jaded, have a huge chip on your shoulder for some reason.. you are very likable, funny, pretty and smart.... You are very outspoken.. to a point that it would turn some men off.. but so what what.. fuck em.. It would seem that you might have some baggage from your past that you need to deal with and let go of and move on ..so you can be happy... You are very driven .. in your goals... driven in your life... you go after what you want and probably wont stop until you get it... you have a huge hole.. inside that I think needs to be healed or filled.. in a positive way. with love and kindness.. and all that good stuff...because ....apart from your hard candy coated shell .. you are really a softie on the inside.. and that beautiful light I have seen shine on a few occasions needs to be shining all the time..
I was kind of blown away as to how he thought I would be angered by that. All of the above is what Michelle has been telling me all along, I just wanted an honest outside perspective from the male persuasion, from someone who wasn't as close to me. It's a sad realization that my pain still shines through after all the hours I've spent talking to a therapist, after all the nights I've cried myself to sleep & just tried to "let it all out." I honestly don't feel healed, never did, but I thought I was healing because I was coping better with things. My coping mechanism was to suppress and cover up, not even allowing healing to take place. Progression through suppression. Outwardly, I look as if I am doing great and progressing nicely compared to the dark hole I laid in for months, but internally, I still have this empty place from David leaving. My mind knows he's never coming back, but my heart believes he might. I feel like he's as good as it gets for me...he's everything I ever wanted in a man, minus his dislike of sports, his family, and how he let people walk all over him (until me, of course). He was, and still is, the greatest man I've ever known, regardless of how it ended. He's the only man from my past that I will never have anything bad to say about. How do you move on from someone that great, especially knowing that it was your own stubbornness, refusal to compromise, and lack of communication that ended it?
I don't know how to heal. Even after the months of therapy, I don't know what I have to do to heal so that I can feel whole again. The latest situation has opened those wounds again and poured salt into them. It wasn't so much the person as it was the experience, the situation. Sure, he was gorgeous, funny, smart, and, like David, was able to get me to see things from alternative perspectives, despite my reluctance to accept viewpoints other than my own. But my benchmark is and always will be David, and no one can top that.
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