Had a fabulous evening at the movies with my girls, followed by hours of amazing sexual escapades, awesome conversation, and laughter with a good friend that I've totally been diggin' on for the past 5 or 6 months. Someone who I can separate lust from love with, and he is strictly lust for me, because I know he's not relationship material, which is quite tragic because he's gorgeous, attentive and treats me with kindness and respect. I become a different person around him - someone I've never really been - uninhibited, comfortable, confident - and I'm pretty sure we broke a law or two last night and probably a few commandments too.
I think I feel happy...no, not because of him. My escapades with him were a result of me shedding one of my layers of pain and just saying "fuck it" and going for what I wanted, no holds barred. I wanted him, I told him so very explicitly, and I got him. I'm learning that sometimes you get what you want just by vocalizing it. So that's precisely what I did. Worked like a charm.
I just feel like I'm on the right path, though, I do sidetrack and take a trail I probably shouldn't take every now and then (like last night...the shit I did last night could cost me my career). But I'm having fun, and I'm living life on my own terms. I've given up the whole getting trashed and driving thing - it was and is very irresponsible for a number of reasons. But other than that...I am thinking freely, dressing with confidence, believing whole-heartedly that I am fabulous, and I am putting that version of myself out in the world, and thus far, it's being met with great response. Maybe this is what new happiness feels like.
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