Tears still flow...

Why I continue to torture myself, I don't know, but I finally, after over a year of searching, found David's facebook page. I saw her - the woman who I last saw him with, the woman who is living the life I am supposed to be living, living with the man I love and have loved from the first time I laid eyes on him. It sent me into a frenzy of tears and physical sickness, throwing up over and over again. It felt like that first day all over again, only this time, I wasn't searching for every pill I could get my hand on, not that I could've kept them down anyway. I wish I had a way to send him a message, but even if that were an option, I know what the result would be.

I am still trying to make sense of why things ended the way they did. I know why they ended, I just don't know why they ended the way they did...so cold, so heartless...not at all something like the man I knew and loved would do. I have prayed the loudest prayers I've ever prayed to God over these past 19 months, begging him to bring David back to me or to give me peace in my heart, to give me understanding of why this happened, why I feel this way...why I still feel like David was molded in heaven just for me and me for him...only to be met with silence, heartache, confusion and despair.

Every other aspect of my life is wonderful. Don't get me wrong, I really like Daniel, and in time, I will probably grow to love him, but he's no David. No one has ever even come close to being as great as my David. Why can't I let this go? Why can't I accept what is and just move forward? Why does this man continue to have such a stronghold over my heart even though he has no knowledge of it? It all has to mean something...perhaps I'm being punished for something, or it's a lesson of some sort, I'm not sure. I just know that I want this brokenness I feel inside to end...and short of David coming back, I don't know how to make that happen. So I continue to pray...pray for peace, for guidance, for God to heal my heart and take this pain away that I still feel so strongly every single day. Nineteen long months now, I've prayed...hopefully He will answer soon with a suitable response that will relieve me of this inner turmoil once and for all...