Lissa Town

Breaking Up is Hard to Do.

2012-01-07T20:18:00.002-06:00

I made a tough decision on the evening of January 1st. I packed all my things and left my boyfriend's house for the last time. Even though it seemed like the right thing to do, it still hurts. I'm not wired in such a way where I can spend nine months of my life with someone and walk away unscathed, untouched by emotion. Part of me loves him, but part of me knows that we can't be anything more than what we've already been. I'm not willing to settle. I deserve better than that.

So, here's to hoping God brings me someone new who will take my breath away...or perhaps even return an old love...

Sometimes You Just Can't Get There...

2011-11-25T12:00:00.002-06:00

The more I think about it, the more clear it becomes...I'm not going to "fall" for Daniel. I love him as a friend, but I'm not "in love" with him, and I never will be. He's sweet at times, but between him cheating on me in the beginning when I was off in another country living a dream, to his lack of ambition, to his failure to defend me when his best friend blatantly called me vulgar names in the public eye, to his inability to be able to give me the intelligent conversation and intelligent humor that I require.

He's incredibly immature, he treats his mother horribly, he works a dead-end job and despite my efforts to try to boost his motivation, he still isn't trying to better himself. I miss intelligent conversation so much...I miss being with someone with passion, with someone who can make me laugh on more than just a juvenile level. I have been doing so well over the last 8 months or so, and I refuse to let the unambitious inclination of another human being cause me to fail after I've worked so hard in an effort to thrust myself forward in life.

It saddens me because I'm so tired of starting over, but I refuse to settle. I need someone who is astute, passionate, funny, and someone who is willing to meet me half way. I miss romanticism, I miss laughter, and MY GOD I miss intelligent conversation above all, as sad as that may be. Sheesh...I don't feel like I'm asking for too much in life...I don't want someone who wants to spend every waking moment with me - at least not in the beginning. My life is too hectic...I simply don't have time for that right now, and I refuse to set aside things that are crucially important in my life to give to someone who has clingy, overly-needy attachment issues.

And as morally amiss as it may have been considering my current attachment, it was amazing to kiss someone last night and actually feel something! It simply confirmed what I already knew...I'm definitely not where I'm supposed to be.

Freefallin'...

2011-08-27T00:12:00.005-05:00

Things are still good with Daniel. Still haven't spoken the "L" word out loud yet. That word scares me, and well, shit just changes after it's spoken. I freaked people out on facebook by changing my last name, so they all think I married him...ha. How long have these people known me? They know I have a no-marriage philosophy. I just wanted privacy & didn't want to be found on facebook. The only way to ensure that without deleting my account is locking my profile up like Ft. Knox & changing my name to something no one knows or could figure out, so that that's what I did. I chose the stage name I wanted as I kid when I thought I was gonna be a star...haha. No marriage for me though...it's not even in my thoughts. The idea of it both makes me laugh and makes me nauseous at the same time.

However, even with things being good, I'm kind of bored. I want something more exciting, someone who can keep up with my lifestyle...both physically and financially. I don't know if I will ever find that, and I keep waiting for him to step up to the plate, but it hasn't happened yet. He's great, but he's gonna have to step up his game if he wants to keep me. Sounds shallow, but that's just how it is. I wanna take trips, I wanna canoe the Buffalo River, I wanna hike the Meriwether Lewis Loop Trail...he's not really interested in all that. Good thing I'm a fag hag! My favorite homos love me enough to appease my adventurous side. :)

School starts next week...5 days a week, 19 credit hours. Yipeeeeee! I lose all my free time, but I'm actually looking forward to getting started again. The faster I start, the faster I finish, and I'm soooo ready to get this bachelor's degree completed so I can move onto law school. My student loan debt is steadily mounting into a small fortune, and it's getting a bit nerve-racking, but it'll be worth it in the end. I have faith! I have to, otherwise I'll be sleeping in a cardboard box and selling copies of The Contributor on street corners.

I'm taking part in a comedy/talent charity event next month that I'm stoked about, and I'm getting the honor of designing the fliers for the occasion. Pretty exciting!

I've had a realization on the whole David situation, though, I won't really say how I fully came to this new realization, but let's just say that a friend planted something in my mind that piqued by senses, and I realize now that he wasn't the person I thought he was when we were together. I loved the time we shared and I wouldn't take it back, but I have to at least try to believe that it was all lies. "Set Fire to the Rain" by Adele is the perfect song for the situation...even with all the lies he told, I still wish he'd come back. Ah, damn the heart...the most fucked up, psychotic muscles in the body. But at least with my newfound perspective, the pain of that whole situation has eased even more. And time will continue to heal that brokenness until I can look back and smile at the good times without feeling an overwhelming sense of regret and pain.

Another thing I have changed is that I am on a modified all-natural diet. No more fast food, no more artificial ingredients, no more preservatives, no more high fructose corn syrup. Oh, and I've also given up beef & pork (which I did once before for 3 years - and that was the best I've ever felt in my entire life). I'm 6 days in, and the first 2 days were miserable. I had a wicked headache (what's that say about what's in the crap we're putting in our bodies?), but thankfully, it went away after day 2. Thus far, I feel better and seem to have more energy (and less money...Whole Foods is freakin' expensive dude). Gonna keep on rockin' & rollin' with this and see what happens...this is the one diet lifestyle I've never tried (because of its cost). So far, so good...oh, and free-range meat really does taste sooo much better than the crap you buy at the regular grocery stores! It's not a myth!

Steadily falling...

2011-07-17T01:02:00.003-05:00

Daniel is still telling me he loves me, but the words haven't crossed my lips back to him just yet. I have almost accidentally said it a few times, but stopped myself. I just want to be sure, but I am definitely headed in the direction of "love". I love his family so sooo much though, and his mom absolutely adores me. It's so nice to be with a guy who seems to have a relatively sane family, a family who isn't trying to constantly split us up.

I just got back home after spending 10 days straight with him...bittersweet, I suppose. Missing him already, but glad to be home to my momma and my critters. Plus, I've got a website to build and papers to write, and I'll be seeing him again in a few days anyway, so it's all good.

Yep, all good. :)

He loves me...

2011-07-05T01:54:00.003-05:00

Daniel told me he loves me for the first time a few days ago...I was unable to say it back at this point, I'm just not ready for that yet. I don't want the "L" word to escape through my lips until I'm absolutely certain that I mean it. I was a bit surprised by his revelation, which came about through a simple statement: "You better be glad that I love you." Wait...what? Then he reiterated the following day by telling me he was in love with me. I have strong feelings towards him, but still, I can't say "love" just yet. It felt soon, but hell, we've been seeing each other on & off since March, and have been official since the beginning of May, so I guess it wasn't that soon.

I was having a rough time with all the David stuff, just in a bad place emotionally, and I don't discuss any of my David stuff with Daniel...I refuse. It's not fair, and it would only serve to hurt him, just as all the Brent stuff hurt David. I learned my lesson. I will not do that to someone else...but still, I was just in a sad place emotionally, and even though I didn't talk about it, the first night I came down and stayed last week, it was like he sensed me being in an emotionally vulnerable position and just nurtured all my insecurities by holding onto me all night long, loving on me, and just being innocently sweet...it was exactly what I needed. I fell for him a little more that night.

I have had an amazing last week with him & his family, but I'm glad to be home with my critters for a couple days. Cooked with his mom for the 4th, and even made a special brown sugar lil smokies dish while his mom & dad were out shopping at the Mennonites for cookout stuff...my specialty was met with very good reception. Love his family so...it was a happy 4th full of fun, love & laughter. :)

Tears still flow...

2011-06-27T03:00:00.002-05:00

Why I continue to torture myself, I don't know, but I finally, after over a year of searching, found David's facebook page. I saw her - the woman who I last saw him with, the woman who is living the life I am supposed to be living, living with the man I love and have loved from the first time I laid eyes on him. It sent me into a frenzy of tears and physical sickness, throwing up over and over again. It felt like that first day all over again, only this time, I wasn't searching for every pill I could get my hand on, not that I could've kept them down anyway. I wish I had a way to send him a message, but even if that were an option, I know what the result would be.

I am still trying to make sense of why things ended the way they did. I know why they ended, I just don't know why they ended the way they did...so cold, so heartless...not at all something like the man I knew and loved would do. I have prayed the loudest prayers I've ever prayed to God over these past 19 months, begging him to bring David back to me or to give me peace in my heart, to give me understanding of why this happened, why I feel this way...why I still feel like David was molded in heaven just for me and me for him...only to be met with silence, heartache, confusion and despair.

Every other aspect of my life is wonderful. Don't get me wrong, I really like Daniel, and in time, I will probably grow to love him, but he's no David. No one has ever even come close to being as great as my David. Why can't I let this go? Why can't I accept what is and just move forward? Why does this man continue to have such a stronghold over my heart even though he has no knowledge of it? It all has to mean something...perhaps I'm being punished for something, or it's a lesson of some sort, I'm not sure. I just know that I want this brokenness I feel inside to end...and short of David coming back, I don't know how to make that happen. So I continue to pray...pray for peace, for guidance, for God to heal my heart and take this pain away that I still feel so strongly every single day. Nineteen long months now, I've prayed...hopefully He will answer soon with a suitable response that will relieve me of this inner turmoil once and for all...

Whirlwind!

2011-06-24T20:27:00.002-05:00

Wow! Since getting back from Sri Lanka, it seems I have been caught in some kind of whirlwind! Time has been flying so fast, I guess because I've stayed pretty busy. I have been bombarded with exes contacting me seemingly out of the blue, one of which whom somehow thought he could make me feel guilty because I admitted to having a crush on someone else while we were dating, if you can even call what we were doing "dating." Hello? We've been NOTHING in 4 months at YOUR hands, NOT mine...don't pop up all of a sudden trying to make me feel guilty about something completely innocent, especially considering that you played me and treated me like shit. But I'm very grateful that you revived my self-esteem and that some of that ridiculous ego of yours rubbed off on me...it's come in quite handy when dealing with people such as yourself! Enjoy being lonely!

My summer semester has been crazy. I wish I had taken the semester off, but couldn't really afford to...I want to hurry up and get done so I can move onto round 3 of school. I am so tired of writing papers! I just want to be able to spend some time with my fella before my very demanding fall semester begins. Oh yes, my fella...we've already been through some serious shit together, but hopefully things will settle down now. We made things official about 2 months ago, and I am steadily falling for him, hoping that I'm giving trusting my heart to the right person this time. He lives kind of far away, so I spent at least several days at a time at his house when I go, but we always have a blast...and the bonus is that his parents absolutely love me! Yes! Finally, I don't have crazy ass lunatic parents to deal with as I have in past relationships! It's quite an odd relationship for me...Daniel is the only person I've ever dated that's my age, so we'll if it works out better or worse for me, but so far, I'm just going with the flow of things and letting them naturally progress.

On another note, today is my brother's 34th birthday! I bought him a Samsung netbook...he was totally shocked. Wish he was more computer literate though, something tells me I'm gonna be getting a lot of phone calls asking a LOT of stupid questions in the coming days and weeks!

Journey to Sri Lanka (Part 1)

2011-06-04T23:18:00.006-05:00

Finally able to sit down and write a little bit about my three amazing weeks in Sri Lanka. There is so much about the trip that randomly pops in my head, so I thought it would be best to split it up into multiple blogs as it comes to mind.

Words can't express how elated I am to have been able to experience what I experienced during the course of my time there. I experienced the beauty of the country, the excitement of nature and most importantly, the genuine hospitality of the people. Although it's a developing third world country, in many ways, Sri Lanka is better than America. Their values are much more defined and clear-cut there - they value people, we value things. I saw poverty firsthand like I never imagined I would experience in my lifetime, and although it saddened me, it also left me humbled because even those who were destitute were something that I found very surprising - they were happy. They were grateful for what they do have instead of being regretful for what they don't have. They sense of materialism that has been created by capitalism doesn't really exist there. People there (for the most part) don't want handouts, and often refused tips. It was quite astonishing.

We completed a program at the Centre for the Study of Human Rights which is part of the Faculty of Law at the University of Colombo in Colombo, Sri Lanka. We learned about the culture and the legal system primarily via lecture, but also by a couple of field visits - one to a prison work camp and another to an extremely poor village. I still can't get the images of that village out of my head. Most of the people in the village live in mud huts. The structure is built from branches, then mud and water are mixed together to form mud blocks that make the walls. Very few of these huts have electricity, and if they do, it literally consists of only one light bulb socket strung from a wire. Running water didn't even exist in this village until the American Embassy paid for pipelines to be laid, but they still can't drink the water - no where in Sri Lanka can you drink the running water.

This village earns what little income they do by growing rice, but because they don't have a rice mill, they have to sell it to a middle-man to be milled before it can go to store shelves. They want so badly to be able to support themselves, and they could do that with a rice mill. Building a rice mill would provide approximately 10-15 jobs for the village, and essentially allow them to become self-sufficient, but they can't afford a rice mill. When we asked how much that would cost, I was shocked by the number...a minuscule $2200 US Dollars. A mere $2200 US Dollars to enable a village of people to adequately support themselves...it made me sad. It made me wish I had money to hand over to them so they could build the mill.

The people in that village, despite their poverty, still wanted to provide us with refreshments to welcome us into their village, but they were asked by the University not to because we already have everything we need. I can't even articulate how poor these people are...it's something that you only see on TV that doesn't really exist until you see it with your own eyes, but yet, they still wanted to give us what little they had as a welcoming offer. It was so very touching, very humbling, and the visit to that village forever changed my life. I cannot get the people from that village out of my head.

Memories of Life Passed.

2011-04-11T19:17:00.003-05:00

A friend of mine is going through a break-up, and just reading some of the stuff he has posted on his facebook reminds me of the pain and heartache I felt when David first left....that sense of hopelessness and "it'll never be that good again." It breaks my heart...it made me realize how much of that I still have buried beneath the surface, but in recent weeks, I've began to feel alive for the first time since he left. I still miss him, I still love him, and I'd still give absolutely anything to wake up to his face, but unfortunately, that is life that has passed. I can't look ahead if I keep looking back, so I really have tried to let some of that heart-crushing pain go. I think I've been pretty successful.

I am dating, I am enjoying playtime with a fabulous man, and there's a promising new fella on the horizon who seems to be totally taken by me. I'm going to Sri Lanka in a few weeks, I got 2 walk-ins in my softball game yesterday, and I am just in love with life right now. I'm sure I'll have a moment in the near future, but for now, I'm not letting the pain from my past destroy my current and potential future happiness.

Is This Happiness?

2011-04-01T22:15:00.002-05:00

Had a fabulous evening at the movies with my girls, followed by hours of amazing sexual escapades, awesome conversation, and laughter with a good friend that I've totally been diggin' on for the past 5 or 6 months. Someone who I can separate lust from love with, and he is strictly lust for me, because I know he's not relationship material, which is quite tragic because he's gorgeous, attentive and treats me with kindness and respect. I become a different person around him - someone I've never really been - uninhibited, comfortable, confident - and I'm pretty sure we broke a law or two last night and probably a few commandments too.

I think I feel happy...no, not because of him. My escapades with him were a result of me shedding one of my layers of pain and just saying "fuck it" and going for what I wanted, no holds barred. I wanted him, I told him so very explicitly, and I got him. I'm learning that sometimes you get what you want just by vocalizing it. So that's precisely what I did. Worked like a charm.

I just feel like I'm on the right path, though, I do sidetrack and take a trail I probably shouldn't take every now and then (like last night...the shit I did last night could cost me my career). But I'm having fun, and I'm living life on my own terms. I've given up the whole getting trashed and driving thing - it was and is very irresponsible for a number of reasons. But other than that...I am thinking freely, dressing with confidence, believing whole-heartedly that I am fabulous, and I am putting that version of myself out in the world, and thus far, it's being met with great response. Maybe this is what new happiness feels like.

Sri Lanka Bound

2011-03-19T02:21:00.002-05:00

Just applied for my passport in Donelson today. Due to leave towards the end of the first week of May for a month-long stay in Sri Lanka to work at the University of Colombo's law school to help the people who were displaced by the country's civil war that ended in May 2009. I'm so excited! God's plan is really starting to take shape in my life!

Turning the Page...

2011-03-03T19:15:00.002-06:00

I've decided not to let unsuccessful, trivial relationships get me down. Yes, David is always gonna be there in my head so it seems, but these others...eh, I'm not gonna let 'em get me down. I'm doing my own thing, concentrating on school, acing my tests, doing a lot of reading (a leisure that I sorely missed), beginning to study for my LSAT, and quite frankly, just getting out and doing more. If I wanna do something, I just decided that if it's within my reach, I'm gonna do it. Lady Gaga concert in April - $212.48 for ONE ticket (albeit a pretty damn good one). Bought. Ridiculous? Yes, but I wanna go so I'm going. Tom Jones in April (3rd freakin' row!) - $90. Could I afford that? Eh, not really, but I wanted to go, so I'm going. I wanna go to Bob Seger too...still trying to work that out. Couldn't find a seat appealing enough to pay $90 for it. But hey, there's always scalpers on concert night.

Went to Belle Meade Plantation with my bestie last weekend, toured the grounds, drank a yummy bottle of blackberry wine. Our next venture will be hiking the Meriwether Lewis Loop Trail in Hohenwald (so I can learn how out of shape I really am). I bought tickets to tour the Oaklands Mansion in Murfreesboro and the Lotz House in Franklin (I LOVE historical properties). I'm just living again...I get so caught up in wanting a relationship (and I do) that I forget to live. I'm a fun-loving go-getter, so to hell with men...if one worthy of me comes along, great, but until then, I'm gonna keep having fun, making memories, and really living.

I had a dream two nights ago that I'm supposed to write a book. Saw the cover and everything, so I'm gonna try that. Maybe it was a message, maybe it wasn't. Who knows? But regardless, I'm gonna give it a shot. The worst I can do is fail. I've failed before, I'll fail again. Nothing new. I'm reading Resilience by Elizabeth Edwards. What an amazing woman, and what an amazing new perspective I'm getting from reading this book. Inside, I'm smiling for the first time in a while. Feels good.

I Hate Missing Someone.

2011-02-18T10:50:00.002-06:00

I still have this sickness in the pit of my stomach every time he enters my mind, which is quite frequently. I get so attached, and it's hard, nearly impossible, for me to break that emotional connection once it's begun. Imagining not seeing his smile again is something that I don't even want to fathom in this moment, but I'm sure the pain of the reality of it will pass with time. It's already been over a week, and I wish I could say the tears have stopped, but they haven't. Edwin McCain on the radio on the way home last night pretty much fixed that "no more tears" policy I had with myself. Just ready to stop feeling this way so maybe I can meet someone new who will actually be willing to put in as much as I am, someone who wants to love and wants to be loved. I seem to keep meeting the ones who think the idea sounds great at first, but then decide that's not what they want. Typical men.

Happy Valentine's Day to My Love

2011-02-14T15:11:00.003-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day to the man who will love me as I am and in spite of all my flaws. To the man who will think I'm beautiful even though I don't think I am. To the man who will make me feel just as sexy as all those Hollywood girls. To the man who will strive to be my friend just as much as my lover. To the man who will always make me feel like I'm enough for him. To the man who will be just as loyal to me as I will be to him. To the man who will hold me when I'm crying and tell me everything is going to be alright even if he's not sure it will be. To the man who will admit when he's wrong and apologize for it. To the man who will ask for help when he needs it. To the man who won't be afraid to cry in front of me.

To the man who will let me hold him when life beats him down. To the man who will know just what to say to make me laugh. To the man who will say little things just to get under my skin so he can pull me close and apologize with a kiss. To the man who will always make a conscious effort to let me know how he feels about me. To the man who will love going bed next to me at night and waking up next to me in the morning. To the man who will surprise me with little things just to see a smile on my face. To the man who will appreciate my spunk, my drive, and my unending determination to always strive to get what I want. To the man who will allow me to give all of my love to him and give just as much love back to me.

Wherever you are, I can't wait to meet you. I know you're out there somewhere. Searching aimlessly, losing hope that you'll ever find me, just as I'm losing hope that I'll ever find you. Please don't give up.

Ministering Someone in Need, Revelation Revealed

2011-02-13T12:15:00.004-06:00

A good friend of mine, Tim, was in need last night, having a hard time with life, and I didn't know why. Tim's more than a friend, he's more like my big brother. He's looked out for me since I was 16 when I didn't have anyone to really lookout for my welfare out in the real world. He prevented my then-boyfriend from raping me. It's a long story as to how that came about, but he's always played the "big brother" role with me, and I love him just as much as I do my real brother, and I view them both equally, which may seem strange to some people. I'm actually closer to him than I am to my real brother, which is pretty sad.

Regardless, we had a similar week. I was sitting at home last night with my heart sunk down to my stomach, literally sick I was so sad, then I saw on facebook that he was clearly upset about something and started chatting with him. "I feel like dying" was enough to get me hard-pressed on finding out where he was, and after about 20 minutes of chatting, he finally told me where I was, and though exhausted, I got out of bed and went to find him and talk him out of what he was feeling, not knowing that he was hurting for much the same reason that I was.

Tim comes off as abrasive, much like I do, but when you get to know him, he's a very sensitive and caring person, regardless of how his long-haired, tattooed exterior presents him. I've seen him upset before, even sad, but I've never seen the man cry until last night. He was completely devastated. The first girl he's let in and loved since Angela (the first love of his life) had broken up with him after a big fight. I tried to remain strong because I could tell he was in worse shape than I was, but I shed a few tears with him anyway for my own pain. I know what he's going through...the first person I let in & cared about since David (the only real love of my life) broke my heart on Thursday. I didn't know what to say to him except that he at least has hope on his side because not only does he love her, but she loves him. Where there is love, there is always hope. I, on the other hand, have no hope. Love was one-sided in my situation. Explaining things in such a way helped him greatly, and we were able to skip around and talk about other things.

When David & I were together, we used to go hang out with Tim. Tim loved David, and David loved Tim. They became friends, and I was happy about it. Tim didn't like anyone I dated, he was very protective of me, but he couldn't ignore what everyone else also saw - David truly loved me. I remember after David left calling Tim and asking him to call David. All this time I have believed that Tim wasn't able to get a hold of David, but he confessed last night that he had spoken to him once, and that he didn't want to talk. It was almost as if it was hatred by association and that their friendship was overshadowed by David's resentment towards me. I have thought about that since I got home after hours of chatting. Tim said he knew in that moment that it was over and that there was nothing he could say to help the situation, but he knew I was already hurting and couldn't bring himself to tell me that at the time. Even now, 15 months later, that revelation was like a knife through my soul.

It already hurt that David left, but to know that he also wouldn't talk Tim, someone he considered a friend, someone he talked to when he was out on the road, it somehow made everything more real. But I guess I need that. I need things that will press me until both my mind and my heart will accept the true reality of things, which will maybe eventually allow me to heal and move forward without constantly having that pain buried deep inside of me that is always there, that pain that literally makes me sick to my stomach and makes me feel like my heart is sinking. I don't know what the answer is. I've never loved like this, so I've never hurt like this.

The latest heartache just added pain on top of pain. It's hard because I emotionally attach things to people which makes it hard for me to enjoy things that I loved with them after the fact. Lewis Black, for example. David & I loved him & watched all of his stuff together, so now, as much as I love Lewis Black, I'll probably always associate him with David to an extent. John Valby & Here Come the Mummies will probably always be things that I associate with Bobby. Songs, places, shows, movies, people....I hate that I create emotional attachments to everything. Everything has a memory attached to it. Sometimes when I'm flipping through my DVR, I'll see a movie listed that David & I watched together 4 or 5 years ago and automatically associate it with the moment we were lying in bed together watching it in our apartment and thus, refuse to watch it.

As previously stated so many times before, the fact that I feel as deeply as I feel and love as deeply as I love means that I hurt equally as deeply when things don't work out as imagined or when I lose something I care about it. Why I love so deeply and hurt so deeply, I guess I'll never know.

Me vs. The World

2011-02-12T17:08:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about what it is about relationships that have ended like the last two that irritates/hurts/confuses me the most. I think it's how you can share intimate moments with someone and then just completely cut them out of your life like they never existed. It's just beyond me how you can claim to care for someone, even love them, and then, as the old expression goes, "drop them like a hot potato."

Are people really this detached from emotion? Yes, I have cut people out of my life on many occasions, but it was always immensely painful, regardless of what they did to me to deserve to get the boot. And I rarely have been able to just throw the killswitch to relationships (friendships & romantic relationships included) and cease all communication. I'm just not that kind of person. When someone becomes a part of my life, I pretty much hope they'll stay there in some capacity forever. I'm friends with almost all of my exes, which is strange for some people, but it's just something I've always been able to handle...after enough time goes by to allow me to adequately heal from the departure.

I love more deeply than most, which means when I get hurt, I hurt more deeply than most. It's a blessing and a curse, but I would rather hurt more knowing that I loved greatly than to go through life with such a coldness or a skewed perception of emotion that I am capable of just letting someone go at the drop of a hat.

Someone is out there who will allow me to lay all my cards out on the table and who will then lay out all of his, let me into his world, be ready to love, and allow me to love him like he's never been loved before. He exists. Somewhere.

Tears Again.

2011-02-10T23:39:00.004-06:00

It's amazing to me that when your heart is breaking, the person who is responsible for breaking it can continue to hammer out words that cut to your very core, as if the standard broken heart already wasn't enough...gotta turn the knife, while you're at it. Not even so much as an apology.

I was up all night as it was, had a miserable drive into school, got stood up by one of the professors, got hounded by a homeless guy begging for money for beer (at least he was honest), hadn't eaten because my nerves were shot, and I arrived home to an email that I felt was cold and relatively heartless. I burst into tears, replied, and then proceeded to cry even harder. Then I made a conscious decision to get up, go wipe off the mascara that had streamed down my face, and go to the gym, so that's exactly what I did. Felt okay for a little while, ate supper, but when I realized I was being totally erased, I burst into tears even harder. I just cried until I literally made myself sick. So much for my one meal of the day.

My emotions run deeper than most, so it's hard for me to understand how someone can invite you into their home, into their bed, whisper sweet nothings, hold you all night, and then completely erase you out of their lives like you never existed. It's especially beyond me to understand how people can do that and not even provide a valid reason why, just trivial bullshit that should be considered more of an annoyance than anything. And what happened to communication? Why is everyone so afraid of hurting someone else's feelings (or as I believe in this case, losing power) that they can't be honest?

I remember something I learned in therapy years ago...in a relationship, there must always be compromise. My therapist broke down the word to reveal a stronger meaning. Com = communication. Promise = the promise to always be honest and try to understand where the other person is coming from and meet in the middle. Together, the promise to be honest with each other and try to adapt & overcome...compromise. Why does no one feel the need to compromise anymore? Why are we wasting our time searching for someone who is going to fit perfectly into this little mold of what we define as "the perfect person"? That person doesn't exist. As optimistic as I normally am, I'm not naive enough to believe that there's a guy out there who's everything I want in a man. The closest I came was David...and there were still a few minor things that I wished were different, but he was close enough to perfect for me. You can't win 'em all, but he was the grand prize, in my eyes.

I called my ex, Brent, crying so hysterically last night my words were barely audible. Just like he calls me when something's wrong, I still call him. I expected coldness, but he was sad for me and spent over an hour on the phone with me, stating he'd stay on the line "as long as I need him to." One thing that he said to me is so reminiscent of what everyone who is close to me seems to say, "Your heart is so big and when you love somebody, you love the hell out of 'em. Most people just don't love like that...it's both a good thing and a bad thing because when someone hurts you, it tears you apart." Michelle says the same thing. Other exes have said the same thing. No one realizes this until after the fact....the people that should see this, the people that I want to see this and understand it, don't.

It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. The end result is always the same, whether after months or after years. Michelle said my fault is that I hold onto my pain like it's who I am, and base my behavior & reactions on my pain. Her exact words, "Your pain blocks your intent. You hold onto the pain and let it consume you." Maybe she's right...I don't know.

I felt the need to add this because I think it says so much, and definitely identifies with Michelle's theory...I asked a guy that I've went out with several times over the last year what his perception of me is. He's sweet, but not one to lie and asked me if I wanted an honest perspective or a sugar-coated one, so I, of course, opted for honest. He promised honesty, but told me he didn't want me to be mad or hurt by anything he said, so I braced for the worst. Here's what I got (copied & pasted, this is certainly not my grammatical norm!):

I mean .. I know you... kind of .. we have spent time together and talked alot..I would say.. that you are somewhat Jaded, have a huge chip on your shoulder for some reason.. you are very likable, funny, pretty and smart.... You are very outspoken.. to a point that it would turn some men off.. but so what what.. fuck em.. It would seem that you might have some baggage from your past that you need to deal with and let go of and move on ..so you can be happy... You are very driven .. in your goals... driven in your life... you go after what you want and probably wont stop until you get it... you have a huge hole.. inside that I think needs to be healed or filled.. in a positive way. with love and kindness.. and all that good stuff...because ....apart from your hard candy coated shell .. you are really a softie on the inside.. and that beautiful light I have seen shine on a few occasions needs to be shining all the time..

I was kind of blown away as to how he thought I would be angered by that. All of the above is what Michelle has been telling me all along, I just wanted an honest outside perspective from the male persuasion, from someone who wasn't as close to me. It's a sad realization that my pain still shines through after all the hours I've spent talking to a therapist, after all the nights I've cried myself to sleep & just tried to "let it all out." I honestly don't feel healed, never did, but I thought I was healing because I was coping better with things. My coping mechanism was to suppress and cover up, not even allowing healing to take place. Progression through suppression. Outwardly, I look as if I am doing great and progressing nicely compared to the dark hole I laid in for months, but internally, I still have this empty place from David leaving. My mind knows he's never coming back, but my heart believes he might. I feel like he's as good as it gets for me...he's everything I ever wanted in a man, minus his dislike of sports, his family, and how he let people walk all over him (until me, of course). He was, and still is, the greatest man I've ever known, regardless of how it ended. He's the only man from my past that I will never have anything bad to say about. How do you move on from someone that great, especially knowing that it was your own stubbornness, refusal to compromise, and lack of communication that ended it?

I don't know how to heal. Even after the months of therapy, I don't know what I have to do to heal so that I can feel whole again. The latest situation has opened those wounds again and poured salt into them. It wasn't so much the person as it was the experience, the situation. Sure, he was gorgeous, funny, smart, and, like David, was able to get me to see things from alternative perspectives, despite my reluctance to accept viewpoints other than my own. But my benchmark is and always will be David, and no one can top that.

How Do You Give Up Hope?

2011-02-10T04:46:00.003-06:00

When all of your hope was completely stripped away, and then a little of it reappears in some newfound glory, how do you then turn around and expressively just give it up like it never existed, like it wasn't real, like it wasn't yours to have? Perhaps you say there's no reason to ever give up hope, or that there's always an abundance of hope to be had...so what's the dilemma? How wrong that is. When you're scraping the bottom for just a little glimmer of golden hope, that sense of not knowing what's beneath the surface keeps you holding on, keeps you fighting, keeps you from giving up. But once you realize that the golden hope you thought you had was just fool's gold, suddenly your heart sinks. What might have been is no more. It's beyond your control...not even the greatest magician can turn fool's gold into gold.

That's exactly where I find myself. Hypothetically, I met someone amazing who made me smile, stimulated my mind, and got my heart pounding every time he walked into the room. A smile that could make the coldest day warm. Great conversations, intimate moments, and the belief that progression would occur....and it started to, but without warning, the emergency brake was inexplicably pulled, but I was never told to get off this proverbial train. So I sat there for nearly 5 months, alone...waiting, debating, theorizing, hoping, praying, crying, getting angry and frustrated, crying some more...and as of late, having a conversation that turned my biggest fear into reality.

I never even thought I'd be interested in someone again, let alone grow to really, deeply care about someone. The feelings were not reciprocated, but I guess that remained hidden for months, or, at least, hidden to me. After all, I had hope on my side. So how, now that I know the truth, do I open my hands up and let hope fly away without even an inkling that it will return to me someday?

That's the million dollar question that I'd pay ten million dollars for at this point. It's sad...my heart has so much love to give, and I know for a fact that if given a proper chance, someone will be able to see the pure passion I hold for those I love. My best friend tells me all the time, "You just want so badly to love..." and it's true. Through all my quirks and sporadic arrogance and sarcasm and pessimism and optimism (depending on what day it is), all I want is to love and be loved back. How can something so simple be so complicated?

Through my tears, I have to figure out a way to get my mind to quiet down. This giving up hope scenario has consumed my mind and left me, once again, with a broken, restless heart. All the feelings I had when David left that I managed to suppress until I could learn to deal with them have started to return and are slowly popping up to the surface...after all that I endured to try to strengthen my heart and regain my emotional footing, here I am again...standing on a ledge in three-inch heels getting beaten with powerful wind gusts knowing there is no safety net below to catch me if I fall. I either have to find a window to crawl back in or plummet to the earth. Let's just hope I can find that window before it starts to rain...

Regrets & Winter Weather.

2010-12-13T00:15:00.003-06:00

A lot has happened...my great aunt Louise was admitted to the hospital the day after Thanksgiving, and through ups and downs, the decision was finally made to take her breathing tube out on December 2nd, then the decision was made to take her home (even though she wasn't responding), and she held on until this past Thursday morning. Even going to the funeral home Saturday night and seeing her lying there, it's still not real to me yet. I still haven't really broke down yet, I can still hear her voice in my head, and I still imagine her coming to the door to hug me when I go over to her house...I just can't wrap my mind around all this. There's so much that I wanted to do with her, so much I wanted to talk to her about...and now I don't have that chance.

Now we've got 4 inches of snow on the ground, and the funeral is at noon today. I have to work, and I'm supposed to be attending the funeral, and I don't know how I'm going to get out of the house to do either. Tuesday night, I'm supposed to be spending the evening with some friends to celebrate my birthday. Wednesday, I'm supposed to be...well, I won't go into that. Let's just say it'll be a very happy birthday. Thursday is Garth Brooks. And yet this snow & ice crap is supposed to linger. I'm not gonna let it ruin my birthday after the kind of birthday I had last year...not gonna sit home and be miserable two years in a row.

On another note, you don't really realize the level of how much you care for someone until they're potentially put in harm's way. I experienced that tonight, but now I can rest comfortably knowing that they're safe. :)

Thanksgiving...I loathe holidays.

2010-11-25T22:27:00.003-06:00

So I was supposed to spend Thanksgiving with my family, but didn't really...just stayed at home in my room all day. Slept late from staying out partying all night, and didn't feel like dealing with family today.

This week has been fun though...Margaritaville on Tuesday night with friends from church and my gay hubby's best friend, followed by karaoke at WannaB's. Margaritaville was a huge disappointment - overpriced food, overpriced drinks and terrible service. The food at Big River Grille beats Margaritaville hands-down. We all ordered something different and all thought the food was mediocre at best. My wildberry margarita, though tasty, was not even remotely worth $7.00. If I can't taste the liquor, something is terribly wrong.

Went to the Preds/Blues game last night with some new friends, Chris and his girlfriend Kelly, who made the drive down from St. Louis. We met up and bought tickets together so that I didn't have to be the lone Blues fan in a section surrounded by Preds fans. Everything was going smoothly until some Preds fan came down our row for no apparent reason at all while we were trying to watch the shootout and got up in our faces and started calling us bitches and trying to fight us. The ridiculousness continued outside in the lobby and even out into the streets, but when all the Blues fans gathered together, people seemed to leave us alone after that. And people wonder why I have a problem with Preds fans...so many of the St. Louis fans said that the only place they've been to that has meaner fans is Chicago. So much for Southern hospitality huh?

The night proceeded with Blues fans barhopping down Broadway and me spending way too much money. I ended up at Margaritaville (hey, $3.25 draft beer and good bands!) where a table of Predators fans ragged on me a bit for my jersey, but one guy actually shook my hand and told me "good game" and apologized for how me & my friends were treated at the game. At least there are still some decent ones out there who are capable of playful banter rather than wanting to get all redneck and try to start fights. All-in-all though, a good night. A huge Blues win, hanging out with Blues comrades, good beer, and a great local band. Even ended up getting free parking at the end of the night. My bank account took a huge hit for the last 2 nights though, so it's time to slow down a bit.

Tonight, I lie here with one person on my mind and just wishing that I knew what he was thinking. Tired of confusion and not knowing where I stand. Hoping that my words didn't mess up what could be...

Just a Little Glimmer.

2010-11-22T02:49:00.005-06:00

I hate the unknown...not in general because the unknown is a fact of life, but I hate the unknown that is known to someone else but unbeknownst to me. It's hurtful, confusing and malicious. I would rather hear words that are hard to hear than to be left in the dark...it's just what I prefer. Some people prefer not knowing the truth, but I am not one of those people. I don't like not knowing where I should stand, knowing that if I turn my back I could lose something that could potentially be so fulfilling...while at the same time knowing that there may be nothing to be had in the first place, but I don't know that because I'm left hovering in this dark space without even a glimmer of light to guide me.

Just desperately in need of a glimmer right now. Sigh...

Just Another Day.

2010-11-20T23:29:00.005-06:00

Feeling a bit depressed today. Not really sure why...maybe it's all the holiday commercials on TV or the fact that Christmas movies are starting to be shown on cable. I don't know. I hate the holidays...have for years. Maybe it started after my grandfather died...it's definitely been different since then. All the Thanksgivings and Christmases and Mama & Papa's house just sort of stopped after he died. And I always went over there to get away from the hell that was the holidays in my own household. I don't really associate the holidays with anything though...just that I don't like them. My mom tells me that will change when I have kids...ha. We shall see.

Just a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head...curiosities, what-ifs, a plethora of confusion that I'm trying very hard to shove deep down so it doesn't come out in a burst of stupidity as it so often does. Just wish people came with instruction manuals. Just don't want to compete. Just need to find a way to calm my mind...drinking seems to do the trick temporarily, but I've tried very hard over the past week to curb that for numerous reasons. Need to figure out a healthier way to deal with my angst.

My birthday is just around the bend...guess I'm hoping for a happier one this year than last. Maybe I'll actually get out of the house this year and do something fun with pleasant company who wants to take me out because they want to take me out, not simply to appease my life situation. Last year was dreadful. I sat at home rather than accepting anyone's pity. This year, I simply want a reason to smile on my birthday. Nothing material...just a reason to smile. Hopefully that isn't too much to ask for. Maybe that's what I'll pray for tomorrow in church. The Big Guy seems to have answered one or two for me lately, maybe He'll hook me up again.

A Chance.

2010-11-19T17:51:00.004-06:00

Wishing I knew the magic word to say to open up the door
I've put myself out there, put my heart on the line
Imagining the possibilities, just wanting to explore
Searching vigorously, trying to find the sign.

I'm as real as they come, I don't want to play games
I'm not out to hurt, I'm not like the others
I just want a chance, don't want to cause any pain
I just want to know you, I want a chance to discover.

The person hidden below the abrasive surface, I've seen flashes
Someone wonderful, a person I'd like to know more of
But it seems it's just getting harder, the more time passes
Just want a chance to know the inside, I'm not expecting love.

Expecting the worst, but hoping for the best
That's where I seem to reside in this scenario
I don't want to assume, I don't want to guess
I simply want a chance to see where things go.

I feel this sense of fear that seems to exist on both sides
We're both a little jaded, both a little bruised
But I still don't want to run, I don't want to hide
But the more I analyze, the more I become confused.

At a loss for words, I don't really know what else to say
I already knew even before the first glance
After all the talks that lasted until the early hours of the day
That all I want from you is simply just a chance.

Insomnia.

2010-11-19T01:41:00.002-06:00

Can't sleep. Not sure why. A million thoughts running through my mind, but only one is really prevalent. Had a great last couple of days with someone special, got a new job working for a big company so I won't have to deal with anymore small company BS, and hopefully I'll get to do something fun this weekend...football game, Zanies, Craig Ferguson...don't know. Haven't decided yet. It'll probably be a spontaneous decision.

Just wish I had the capacity to fix the broken...then maybe sleep wouldn't come so hard.

Well, at least something went right today.

2010-11-16T14:18:00.002-06:00

I had a meeting with a specialty staffing agency in Brentwood today. I was worried I'd get the typical "well, we don't have anything right now" staffing agency runaround...but, not so! They *think* they have already found the perfect position for me and have submitted my resume for the company's acceptance. I'd be making a little bit more per hour than I was making at StyleNet, and I'd also have the option to accept up to 12 hours per week of overtime. It's a temp-to-hire position, but it's guaranteed through January which is exactly what I was looking for. I will likely not stay on after that because I don't want to work full-time and go to school full-time. But oh well...just gonna pray that God kicks this door wide open for me because this is EXACTLY what I need!

Had an awesome lunch with Michelle, got to chit chat a bit and surprisingly, we didn't even talk about StyleNet. Probably the first convo we've had in months where it didn't come up at all...awesome.

Things always have to be bittersweet though. A certain fella has been on my mind all day. Worried about him and all he's going through and wanting so badly to be there for him if only he'd let me. :(

Short-lived happiness.

2010-11-16T00:18:00.002-06:00

Just when everything else seems to be falling into place, one very important thing is falling apart a little more...

I made the mistake of going to a party last week with an old friend from college, one that I know has had a crush on me for a very long time which is why I have made it a point not to see him since graduation. Haven't seen the dude since May 2009 - for a reason. However, I had just quit my job that day and he invited me to a keg party with live music and I thought..."Hmm, sure could use a night out of the house to unwind & knock back a few." I also thought it might be cool to hang out with someone new outside of my typical tiny group of friends. He's not my type in any shape, form or fashion, even as a friend...he's too serious for my liking. I hang out with people who are like me. But it was a stressful ass day, so I went. Huge mistake. Was wishing the whole time I was there that I hadn't gone, and now I'm wishing even moreso that I hadn't gone. It seems two people have been hurt from the whole scenario.

He ended up looking at me weird the whole time and making me very uncomfortable, and other than the killer music and the keg of beer, I had a horrible time. My mind was somewhere else totally the entire night. The friend I went to the party with ends up asking me last night if we were gonna go out again...that's when I knew that he saw the party-going experience as something much more than it was. I let him know very quickly (and kindly) that I'm not interested in anything more than friendship with him. Never have been. He's just not my type, I have no connection to him. He's a nice guy, was always very kind to me in college, but there's just nothing there. He's a musician and into the whole criminal justice thing like I am, so I thought he'd be a cool friend to have, especially since he has more education in CJ than I do right now and I'm getting ready to take a full CJ courseload next semester. I ended up really hurting his feelings even though I was as kind as I could be about the whole situation. I hate the feeling of knowing that I hurt someone, unintentional as it may have been.

But even moreso, I hurt/upset the one person that I do care about...the person that I thought about the whole night at that party. One of the bands there played a song about finding yourself always thinking about this other person even though you shouldn't because they don't want you anymore...it took everything in me not to cry during that song...but that's okay, I made up for it on the way home.

I didn't even think this person cared about me in a relationship fashion. I felt shoved away, distanced. Last Thursday, I had a Mike & Molly realization, and that makes everything that seems to be happening right now all that much harder. I just wish I understood what's going on...the one thing I want most is the one thing that I understand the least right now...I hate feeling this way... :(

Happy!

2010-11-15T21:22:00.003-06:00

Had lunch today with my former boss' wife at an awesome restaurant in downtown Franklin. Bitched about the company for a while, turned my laptop & monitor in, and now I'm officially FREE!! Meeting tomorrow with a staffing agency, so hopefully they can get me placed somewhere relatively quickly and if not, that's okay. I'm financially okay for a few more weeks.

Michael finally deleted me off facebook and I sent him an email telling him exactly what I think of him which felt A-W-E-S-O-M-E. I kept it classy though...no point in sinking to his level of ignorance and immaturity. Definitely felt good to get all that off my chest, and made it a point to let him know that he's done nothing but try to destroy every ounce of happiness I've had for the last 7 years, and that I now see him for the user he really is. Now I can officially write him off completely...and that's an amazing feat that I feel really good about. Took him trying to mess up something with a certain amazing someone to make me see...but glad I finally did. :)

Two major stressors completely removed from my life since Thursday - that's awesome! I feel this sense of inner peace that I haven't felt in a very, very long time. For the first time in a LONG time, I temporarily have no commitments to anyone or any place or anything. It's very freeing! Going to party with my bestie on Saturday night and just enjoy living for the first real time in the past 13 months!

I didn't realize...

2010-11-13T12:35:00.002-06:00

Felt the need to blog again about a different subject because it's weighing on my mind...

Went out with someone new Thursday night. Nice enough guy, likes me a lot, not generally my type, but I figured hey, what the hell? I couldn't even really enjoy myself. I had someone else on my mind literally the entire time...didn't realize the extent of my feelings for him until I went out with this new guy.

I just don't meet many people that draw me in, that intrigue me, that fascinate me, that can speak to me with the perfect combination of substance and sarcasm and sweetness. I'm missing that terribly right now...going out with someone new just made it worse, unfortunately, because it made me realize that I hadn't distanced myself from my emotions when it comes to him after all.

Liberation.

2010-11-13T12:11:00.003-06:00

I quit my job on Thursday evening. Thirteen months of complete and utter hell, over...or so I thought. The psychotic company president (the root of my hell for the past 13 months) had to try to have one last hurrah, which I won't go into details on here, but let's just say she didn't win. Crazy bitch.

I'm fearful of the unknown since I now have no income source, but I feel very liberated at the same time. I'm confident that God has something better in store for me...and a HUGE stressor has been lifted off my shoulders!

The absolute WORST employer I have EVER had!

Meltdown.

2010-11-10T13:16:00.002-06:00

Just had a complete emotional meltdown in front of my mother. It's like deja vu of where I was a year ago, only I had a secure job to keep my mind at least semi-occupied then. But that same job that has helped hold me together for the past year ends this week.

I feel like I'm in the same place I was a year ago...heartbroken with my life in shambles. One of my best friends who I could always depend on when I was in crisis just moved away yesterday. I guess I fucked up things with the only person I've been remotely interested in since David and he's no longer speaking to me. I'm about to be completely unemployed and my efforts in sending out scores of resumes have proven fruitless. Someone I've called my friend for the past 11 years with who consumed most of my time turned out to be a total dick, so he's out of the picture. My bestie and I no longer really get to hang out and have girl time because she has a man who consumes the vast majority of her time. I'm probably selling a car today that has been part of my life for the past 25 years that belonged to my grandfather (sounds crazy, but I'm very emotionally attached to that car). I just feel empty, like I'm left with nothing. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of meeting my now-ex-fiance's girlfriend that I didn't know existed...and here I am again. Broken.

I want so badly to start going back to my therapist, but I can't afford it. I sit at home and smoke and drink, and when someone needs a favor, I go. Other than that, my life has resolved to being lonely and pathetic I suppose. Just not a good day, a good week, a good month or a good year. My birthday is right around the corner, and I will be just what I was last year - alone.

Trying to Understand...

2010-11-10T08:26:00.003-06:00

I'm just trying to understand how someone can seem as if they care so much one second and then completely write you off the next. I woke up thinking about that someone today. Just having a hard time with the whole scenario today. Wish I hadn't allowed myself to get so close, then maybe it wouldn't hurt this badly.

One Year Today.

2010-11-09T21:07:00.003-06:00

One year ago today, I spent an amazing evening with the love of my life...hugging, kissing, holding each other (amongst other things, of course). Little did I know, it would be the last night I would ever spend with him, and in just two short days, my entire world would be shattered into a million pieces.

Someone who understood me, accepted me, and loved me more than anyone ever has...honestly the only man I've ever truly loved, and I feel, the only man who has ever truly loved me. If only I had been more attentive, if only I had been more forthcoming about the way I felt about him, if only I had treated him the way he treated me...the way he deserved to be treated.

I let the way other men had treated me in my past dictate my behavior towards him. I lashed out because of all the hell I had been put through before him. Call it fear, arrogance, stupidity...I'm sure it's probably a combination of the three. Bottom line, I let the bullshit from my past destroy the best relationship I've ever had. I had someone who loved me, who simply wanted to be near me, who wanted the same things out of life that I do, that made me laugh, that had this way of making me see things from a different perspective despite my typical stubborn rejection of viewpoints other than my own...but David, somehow he broke through that wall of stubbornness and opened my eyes, no easy task.

But alas, it's over. We're over. For good. Part of me always hopes he'll return someday, but my mind knows better. I let the darkness and uncertainty of my past override the pure goodness of who I am. All of my friends tell me what a good heart I have. My bestie tells me repeatedly that I have the biggest heart she's ever seen, and she herself has a pretty golden heart, so she must really think highly of my natural sense of caring.

Tonight even...I spent all afternoon and evening helping some friends pack boxes and load stuff into their U-Haul for a big move, and during my last descent down their stairs, I received a phone call from a friend who said he needed a ride home from work in an hour. Although the U-Haul was packed and I was completely exhausted from the evening and wanted nothing more than to go home and lie in bed, I immediately said, "Sure. See you in a little bit." I didn't think twice about it. I do have a caring heart, and most often, I am totally selfless, which is precisely why I don't take care of myself like I should. So why, WHY could I not apply that same elevated level of caring to my relationship with David? Why did I let that fear, arrogance and stupidity overshadow what was truly in my heart all along? It will be a regret I will have for the rest of my life.

But no amount of regret, prayer or wishful thinking is going to bring him back. As long as I keep him alive in that regard in my mind, I will never have a successful relationship. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I just want happiness again.

Blubbering Idiot.

2010-11-06T12:05:00.004-05:00

The last three weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions, stress and stupid behavior. From getting canned at one job for being sick with a doctor's note (even though they TOLD me not to come in), to having to lift my deteriorating grandmother up her own steps because she couldn't lift her legs, to being told that this coming week I am officially receiving the axe at my full-time job because the president is a sociopath who hates me and wants me gone even though I've made that job my life for the past thirteen months...and a bunch of other shit in between that's equally as emotionally disruptive.

I'm behaving like a fucking idiot...from getting plastered on multiple occasions and trying to drive my drunk ass home to starting smoking again to getting drunk and making an ass out of myself at a hockey game when someone tried to do something nice for me for once to not thoroughly thinking things through before I speak to getting so intertwined with my own emotions that I am just acting like a pathetic, needy bitch.

Three months ago, I had actually started to find my footing again. I felt semi-grounded. Now everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING) has started to unravel again at an astronomical pace. For whatever reason, I actually had it in my head that I was ready to date again and that was such a fucking mistake. I was (and still am) reeling from the way things fell apart with David, and should have waited a bit longer. But everything happens for a reason, right? I at least have a bit of self-confidence again. I got rid of an unhealthy friendship. Those are perks, perks that I am thankful for. I now know that David was not the end-all, be-all. That is a good thing. Something I never thought I'd ever think.

I loved David with every fiber of my existence, and I fucked that up. Four years of my life gone. I wasn't emotionally lovey-dovey enough with him, I was too distant, he felt like I didn't care half the time...so I spend so much time trying to NOT repeat those same behaviors, so much time focusing on trying to be the opposite of how I apparently was with him, that I've completely lost my grip on reality, on who I really am. I'm trying so damn hard to behave in a certain way that I'm missing out on the experience of just letting things be as they may. It's fear...the fear of meeting the same demise that tore me to shreds last year. So I try...I try to not do those same things, I try to do the opposite, not really even realizing until now that you can't apply the same standards to every situation. Each one is unique. And trying to be something other than who I am just makes me look like a blubbering idiot.

Maybe it's because of the time of year...the holidays always make me more emotional. Maybe it's because the anniversary of Dooms Day is coming up...November 11th, the day I met "her" and my world changed forever. Or November 13th, the last day I set eyes upon someone that I considered to be the love of my life...and what a torturous day that was. To have someone you love so much to look upon you with such hatred and pity. It shatters everything that you are. Your entire being.

Over the past week, I have detached a bit emotionally and re-evaluated some things, come to some necessary realizations...All I want, me, not anyone or anything else...all I want is to work, go to school, go to church, and have someone in my life that I can have fun with occasionally. No expectations of a relationship, just going forward with a "whatever happens, happens" attitude. An elevated friendship. That is what I want. That is what is what will be most healthy for me right now. I can't handle anything more than that emotionally or mentally, or even time-wise. I've GOT to focus on getting my shit together or come January when I take on a full course-load, I will fall flat on my face.

And for that matter, all of David's shit is getting boxed up this weekend and taken to storage. I'm gonna go to Shane Co. and get the specs on my engagement ring, and it's going on craigslist. It's been a year. It's time. I HAVE to clear out the past to make way for the future. So long as I am stuck in this reminiscent mode of thinking, I'm no good for anyone, myself especially. This mode of thinking has cost me far too much already. I can't let it destroy me like it did last year. I just want to work hard, regain my footing in life, and have some fun along the way...preferably with a sarcastic someone who intellectually stimulates me, intrigues me, makes me laugh and is just plain damn fine. But alas, I have managed to fuck that up too. It seems I'm 0 for 0 lately.

Sick and Tired.

2010-10-20T10:32:00.003-05:00

I feel like just over a year ago, I held the entire world in my hands...now I feel like I'm grasping at straws. I met someone who helped to pull me out of the David funk I have resided in over the past year, and while I had no real expectations, I guess I at least expected consistency which is far from what I've gotten.

By nature, I'm an "all or nothing" kind of person, but I've tried so very hard to be less aggressive in this situation because it involves someone who intrigues me like no other person I've ever met before, and I see a lot of potential in this person who somehow manages to captivate all my senses.

Also by nature, I see the good in people through the bad, which often ends with me getting hurt. My eyes were finally opened to that same type of scenario last week with someone I've called my friend for the past eleven years. Yes, there were good things, but the bad outweighed the good tenfold. However, I wasn't able to see really see how bad the bad really was until I stepped outside the situation for the first time.

I involve myself in these unhealthy situations and then don't know how to let go because I develop such deep emotional connections with people. Don't get me wrong, I'm an intelligent gal, but more often than I use my mind to guide me, my heart pulls my strings like a marionette, dragging emotion into everything I do. Some people love the passion I have for everything that I hold dear - I'm even passionate about the things I hate. However, that passion is too intense for some people, and I'm afraid that's the situation I find myself in now. I was blessed with a wonderful man who loved my passion, but my the ego hiding my broken spirit eventually drove him away. He was the only one who really ever understood and respected my intensity.

A broken spirit doesn't equate to a broken self-image. Yes, I could be thinner or better-looking, but try finding someone with a heart more golden than mine. I challenge you. People who view the world with heart instead of mind are few and far between. I am passionate about everything I care about and enjoy - music, education, friends, charities, politics, church, sex (surprised you with that one, eh?), and eventually, it shows profusely through my words, actions, movements and my very being.

It takes a unique kind of man to handle all that I am. Yes, I am intense, but I wholeheartedly believe that you won't find a better woman than me. I have two ex-boyfriends who will attest to that to this day. But once you're out, you're out. I can't bring someone back in once I feel the connection has been broken. I guess the purpose of my writing this is to say that I am sick and tired of laying it all out on the line because someone thinks they're up to the challenge, only to drive hateful remarks and behaviors back at me because they simply can't handle me. It's a shame too...because once you get past the initial shell-shock of my intensity, I'm a damn amazing chick...in every way.

Fizzle.

2010-10-17T20:01:00.002-05:00

Ever get the feeling that something has fizzled out for one side? That's kind of where I'm at right now. I keep trying to convince myself to stop jumping to conclusions and give the situation time, but it's just a feeling I have.

I had someone I've called a friend for the last 11 years say some absolutely horrible things to me on Friday afternoon. I mean, I haven't been talked to that way since I ran into David and his ugly girlfriend last year. The things that this so-called "friend" said to me were completely unfounded, ridiculous and just further proved his jealousy. I'm in an odd place right now, and I can't deal with him. Just can't. Many of my friends have been trying to tell me for years that he just uses me when he wants something and in all honesty, I believe they're right to an extent.

I'm not even really concerned with that situation right now. I'm concerned with another potential situation and all the other important things in my life. I need to have the "brakes" conversation with myself again, but it's so damn hard when you're so into someone. I just don't want to be this involved because I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to be devastatingly hurt from this situation. No, that's not pessimism, it's realism...call it instinct. I wish I didn't feel this way because I've never been so intrigued by another human being, but it is what it is.

Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks.

2010-09-27T19:55:00.002-05:00

For the most part, I have always looked at myself in a negative fashion. When I dropped 101lbs. back in high school, yes, I thought I was hot shit...and I was. However, after about 2 years, I started gaining the weight back because I could no longer afford to maintain my lifestyle. I am now the biggest I've ever been weight-wise, though I am still 2-3 sizes smaller than I was at my largest size-wise (which was when I was in 7th grade - yes, 7th grade). I have a goal right now of going to the gym 21 days straight. Today was day 6. I haven't had a heatstroke, a heart attack, or twisted/broken any limbs yet, so I guess it's going well thus far.

I feel like I'm in a place where I'm putting pressure on someone I care about all because of my self-esteem. As in, annoying them to an extent, potential ruining any "maybes" that could occur. But at the same time, I'm trying to live in a place of no expectations. I'm typically a "hope for the best, expect the worst" type of person, and I've got to get more focused on that mindset rather than the hope for (temporary) euphoria.

I have an amazing best friend who always tries her best to put me on this pedestal, a pedestal I don't think I deserve to be on (again, self-esteem issues). She is constantly telling me how wonderful I am - beautiful, intelligent, witty, good-hearted - and that she doesn't understand how someone can be so amazing and not know it. I do so parts of me that are good, and as I've told people before, I'm very cocky when it comes to my overall personality. I think I'm the bomb-diggity on the inside, but how I feel about my exterior seems to trump everything I feel about my interior.

Don't get me wrong, there are times I look in the mirror and think, "I am cute, dammit." But then I'll go out and someone will snap a picture with their cell phone and I'll beg to see only to discover that what I saw in the mirror is not at all a true depiction of me, that reality is, in fact, much worse. I often think, "What the hell happened to me?" I mean, when I was a teenager, I was gorgeous. Even at 22-23, I dropped a bunch of weight and was near where I was in high school again and I thought I looked fabulous. But these last 5 or so years, the weight has kept coming regardless of the measures I've taken to reduce and stop it in its tracks. I've gotta tell ya...that constant struggle with no results takes its toll on someone's self-worth. Yet I still keep striving, still keep trying my damnedest to keep moving forward in spite of failure.

Two things I have to learn to do...1.) Stop reaching out to others in search of my own happiness. 2.) Learn to like what I see in the mirror, regardless of what reflection is staring back at me.

I have got to start seeing myself from the same angle of the people who love me...I have to start seeing me through their eyes. Then maybe, just maybe, I can convince myself to see the beauty that they see in myself.

Coming Out of the Dark.

2010-09-22T21:53:00.002-05:00

Last night sucked, and this morning was even worse I think. Not to mention, my Comcast went out a little after 9:00 this morning and didn't come back on until after 4:00 - insanity. An entire work day shot to hell. The plus - I went to the gym for the first time in 7 weeks and worked out for an hour. It was my first visit to the gym since I've had this whole bulging disc/pinched nerve thing going on. It was painful today, but at the same time, adrenaline will allow you to overcome a LOT of stuff.

I've had a little bit of time to step back and look at things and realize how "all in" I just went over the weekend. It wasn't wise for so many reasons, but the number one reason is that I met someone who makes me feel like no one else ever has (not even David...I didn't even think that was possible) and I had let all my emotions go and I'm praying that taking ten steps back will somehow remedy the situation so that all is not lost.

I've been rattling off today about a "friend" who tried on Sunday to say some things in what I feel was an effort to sabotage something before it even began out of sheer jealousy. I've spent time thinking about how he behaved with Neil, Brent, David, and now a new potential relationship, not even a relationship! He treats me like shit unless he wants something, and God forbid I show someone else positive attention. God forbid I have other friends and other things I do in life that I enjoy outside of his world. I have this anger towards him since Sunday...all because of what he was trying to imply about someone whom I feel is truly wonderful, and everything was said without an ounce of merit.

Michelle is happy that if nothing else comes out of this whole scenario, it's that this "friend" has been an unhealthy part of my life for a very long time, and that perhaps this amazing man has allowed me to see the err of my way in still associating with this individual. He does stress me out and make me feel like less of a person. That can't be good, right? But at the same time, he's been around forever so it's hard to just push him away. However, I have to put ME first for once and recognize that I will never be able to have a healthy, happy relationship so long as he has a say. Guess I need to do some serious soul-searching over the next few days and figure out how to handle this situation...

Here I Go Again...

2010-09-21T22:35:00.002-05:00

I recently met an amazing man, and things have progressed much faster than I think either of us had intended. Perhaps that's codependency rearing its ugly head, or maybe it's the fact that we both feel defeated and find comfort in each other's understanding of the feeling of defeat. I don't know, but I definitely feel like I overstepped my boundaries today and said too much.

One of my faults is not being able to say how I feel to people I care about, whether they be friend or otherwise - leaving things up in the air. I'm determined to do things differently this time, so...open mouth, insert foot. I went a bit too far I think. Today has been such an emotionally charged day. I have gone through every emotion today from one side of the spectrum to the other - from not wanting to say goodbye to arguing to being pissed off to being disappointed to being hurt and crying to feeling sad because I can't fix something that's broken. When I have days that are emotionally charged in one area, it affects them all. So, I thought today would be a good day to send Mr. Wonderful a message and tell him how I feel. Stupid, stupid, stupid. In the future, I will be aware of myself in situations as such, and I will refrain from making emotional remarks to anyone, first and foremost, those who don't yet know or understand my emotional/behavioral patterns.

All of that aside, assuming I didn't completely blow it with my outright stupidity, I thought it would be good to post some happy news for once. Mr. Wonderful is just that - wonderful. Witty, sweet, intelligent, and probably the most attractive man who's ever looked my way. He has this kindness in his eyes that pulls me in and makes me feel at ease, but at the same time, I get a feeling that a mystery hides behind those eyes, like a treasure waiting to be excavated. His smile makes me feel an array of emotions - from lovey-dovey high school girlish to peace to lust to just making me feel like I just want to melt into him and forget the rest of the world. I always have been a sucker for an amazing smile, but holy cow, I didn't even know one existed that carried so much power. As he keeps telling me, "I wish you could see what I see." That's exactly how I feel about him...if only if he could step outside of himself for a moment and see himself through my eyes, I think he would be blown away...I think he would realize that he deserves so much better than everything that I am. But at the same time, I hope he doesn't realize that...because I would be totally broken once again, and it's taken me almost a year just to reach the point of saying I'm partially broken - that's a huge feat from where I was ten months ago, and even from where I was 3 or 4 months ago.

My loudest, most profound prayer to Him tonight will be that Mr. Wonderful looks past my emotional outbursts of the day and remembers how I look at him...that look that he can't quite figure out, that look that he said I need to define for him. That look that simply symbolizes a combination of "I adore you" and "I feel lucky to even know you" and "Thank you for seeing ME." And most importantly, I will ask Him to ease some of those burdens that lie underneath, the ones whose details I don't yet know or understand. He doesn't deserve those burdens...he is far too amazing to continue carrying them, and the sad part is, he doesn't even realize his own value.

Wishing, Hoping, Thinking, Realizing...and Bill.

2010-09-10T22:47:00.003-05:00

Between the pinched nerve in my back that has left me with excruciating pain for the last 5 1/2 weeks and a job that absolutely loathe and still trying to cope with the "whys" of what happened last year, I'm in a miserable place in life. And to make matters worse, last night I saw someone that I care deeply about the most upset I've ever seen him since I've known him...it broke my heart. I felt so helpless. I absolutely cannot stand to see the people I love in pain or experiencing turmoil, especially when there's nothing I can do to fix the problem. I'm a fixer, that's what I do.

On a positive note, I attended a political rally downtown last night for Democratic gubernatorial candidate Mike McWherter. I got to hear several local politicians speak, namely Governor Phil Bredesen and the one and only former President Bill Clinton. Little did I know that after his speech (which was fabulous, by the way), he would make his way down to the rails to greet people with the Secret Service posted around him every step of the way. I got to reach out and shake his hand...kind of a ghetto kind of handshake, but I touched the President! How cool is that?!?! And I love me some Bill Clinton (minus that whole DOMA thing from 1996 - not happy about that at all)!

Back to seriousness...I'm trying to remain positive and keep the doors to my mind open, though the door to my heart is pretty much bricked up right now. Perhaps God will bring me someone else who can once again show me what it's like to be loved...guess we shall see.

Miserable.

2010-08-20T00:46:00.003-05:00

My friend Michelle asked me why all of the people in life are people who take advantage of me and use me. I didn't even know how to respond, but upon thinking about it, she's right. Do I have anyone other than her in my life who doesn't expect anything from me? I don't think I do. I really don't...that's sad. That's partially my fault because my heart makes me an easy target...I'm always so willing to help people if it's within my power to do so. It's a blessing and a curse.

Just in a sad place right now. A lot of confusion and loneliness and depression. How is it that nine months have gone by and I still miss David as much today as I did the day I met "her"? I've only ever felt true happiness once in my life, and it's when I was with him...I don't know how to get that happiness back. I just want my life back. I want to smile again and mean it. I miss his smile, his laugh, the sounds of his voice, even our disagreements....I don't know how to recover from that.

Growing very tired of being insignificant...the buddy, the pal...in the lives of those that I love the most. Growing even more tired of people not being able to see what's right in front of them. I took for granted someone very important to me, and I lost him. I wish people would be concerned with the consequence of losing me.

A Memorable Memorial Day Weekend

2010-06-02T09:40:00.003-05:00

I spent Sunday & Monday in Tunica...best Memorial Day ever. Lots of laughter, winning money at the craps tables, and alone time with someone who makes me smile. I am completely addicted to craps, and even came back from Tunica financially ahead. I didn't want the weekend to end, not just because I was winning, but because I knew coming home meant returning to a life of normalcy. I enjoyed the escape, it was very freeing and definitely helped me de-stress. It felt pretty awesome to make someone I adore smile when he's seemed so miserable for so long. This weekend was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel like something was missing from my life...it felt complete. The memories, loneliness and pain of David were temporarily erased. That was awesome, even though I know occasions like that will be few and far between.

Confusion and Despair with a Side of Happiness.

2010-05-09T22:55:00.002-05:00

The Middle Tennessee floods last weekend shook me to my very core. Through it all, I was heartbroken for all of those who lost homes, who lost pets, who lost loved ones, but there at the forefront of my mind, as always, was David. I was hoping that he wasn't out on the roads when the water started rising, and I was just praying that wherever he was, he was safe. I hate that I love someone that much who clearly doesn't love me anymore. I keep hoping to get a phone call or an email from him, or, if I was really lucky, a visit.

I go through ups and downs, and I know that, but for the most part, I think I'm pretty functional most of the time. I have a lot more ups than I do downs now, due greatly in part to staying on my meds and keeping busy, or so I believe anyway. But those downs are part of life, and I guess I've been somewhere in between over the last week. Missing him more than usual, and finding my mind wandering off to thoughts of him more often than not.

Thankfully, I have a couple of great friends...one who seems to truly understand and offer sound advice and provide genuine comfort, and another who makes my heart smile and helps keep my mind off David with laughter. I don't think those two people will ever know how important they've been in my recovery over the last six months...and surprisingly, they are two of the last people I expected to play such a huge role in my sanity and well-being.

I've decided I'm going back to college this fall to finish my Criminal Justice degree, despite what some people think about me going back to school. This is something that I feel strongly about, something I feel that is important to me, for my well-being. I spend so much time thinking about what everyone else thinks that I don't consider what I want. I want to finish my education, and unfortunately, I've got a LONG way to go, so I've really gotta get on the ball. If all goes well, I'm gonna take a class or two at Nashville State this summer to transfer to TSU. Right now, the two classes I'm interested in are full. Hopefully they will open up during the next class purge.

I want so badly to move out of state, but there are things keeping me here that I just can't walk away from - namely, my mother. She is my rock, and I can't leave her here, knowing no one else is here to help her. School, my church, and a handful of friends are also keeping me here. I could work remotely with my job. But I'm feeling a strong pull to move away for the first time in my life...it's strange, really. I've never wanted to leave Tennessee until recently. Perhaps I feel the need for a new start, but I know I can't leave....not yet. That time will come though...probably when I finish my Criminal Justice degree because then I will be off to an, as of yet, unknown school to obtain my Juris Doctorate. Maybe I shouldn't jump the gun just yet, because I will almost certainly have to leave the state for law school.

One step at a time...I don't even need to be thinking that far ahead because things have a tendency not to work out. I should be planning a wedding right now, but we see how that turned out. Ugh...I just know that I miss him and I want him to be a part of my life. If it took me ten years to earn his trust again, it would be well worth it. Because I know he's worth it.

Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin'.....

2010-04-28T23:24:00.004-05:00

It's amazing how one person can capture your thoughts and tug at your emotions so often throughout the day, even though you haven't seen them in a long time. That's how I still feel about David...how do you let something like that go? I keep playing the "what if" and "if only" game in my mind, all the while consciously knowing that there's nothing I can do in the present to change anything in my past. It doesn't keep it from weighing on my mind though.

Things are pretty good in my life right now, but I still feel like there's a piece of the puzzle missing, and I know with every fiber of my being that that missing puzzle piece is David. I have everything else...family (well, the only ones I care about associating with anyway), a small circle of amazing friends, a church that makes me feel closer to God every time I walk in the door, a job I love, nice car....I just want him here to share it all with me. I don't think I'll ever get that, but it doesn't keep me from hoping for it.

Time is not healing this wound...

2010-04-04T21:46:00.007-05:00

It's been 4 1/2 months since my life changed forever, since things with David ended for what seems like the last time. Everyone keeps telling me that time will heal all wounds, and I really just think that's an old cliché. I go to therapy like I'm supposed to, I pray every single day and try my hardest to believe that God has something great in store for me, and I try to stay occupied, but that underlying pain comes to the surface more often than I care to admit.

I have poured myself into my job, and thankfully, it has paid off with a 20% raise and the comfort of feeling secure in my company. I truly feel like my job is all I really have right now to occupy my time. I had been volunteering for the Room in the Inn ministry at my church, but that ministry recently ended for the year. I hope to get involved with another ministry that will fit my schedule and hopefully give me the same fulfillment that I got with Room in the Inn.

There are good days and bad days, and those bad days are usually really bad days. I still find myself lying awake in bed and crying a lot of nights, and hoping this is some terrible nightmare that I'll eventually wake up from, but seems like this is a never-ending nightmare.

I'm so overwhelmed with things in my life right now - yes, I'm making more money, but I have also increased my debt by buying a new (err, new to me) car. I have a car insurance payment. I have medical bills. I have credit card bills. My student loans go into repayment next month. It's all part of being an adult, and I understand that, but I also wear my emotions on my sleeve, and everything seems to rattle my cage these days. I'm just emotionally and financially overwhelmed.

Not an hour goes by that I don't have some memory of David pop into my mind. His smile, his laugh and his voice are burned into my memory. I have 3 exes who still pine over me, and the only one who matters wants nothing to do with me. I could have any of them back, but I don't want them. I love David, I'm in love with David. I don't want to let go of that as much as I know I should. That love was the greatest love I've ever known, and the thought of turning my back on that kills me inside.

I miss having someone I could tell anything and everything to, and knowing that he'd still love me. I miss our conversations and how he could always alter my perspective on things. And how he made me laugh...he always knew what to say to get me laughing. And how he could just look at me and make me want him. His kiss. The way we wrapped ourselves around each other at night. The way we talked about and looked so forward to our future together, and the family that we wanted to build that would be so unlike the broken family that we both grew up in. I miss his spirit, his light, his wisdom.....HIS LOVE. I would give up absolutely anything currently in my life to have him back by my side.

What a weekend!

2010-01-24T18:44:00.005-06:00

So, the weekend started out pretty good, and then I fucked that up royally. Ended up at a bar in Kingston Springs to meet someone to talk about a website, and she was an hour late, so by the time she showed up, I was already half lit, and I was feeling good, so I wanted to continue to feel good, so I continued on what would become a downward spiral. About $40 and a dozen beers later, I found myself accepting a phone call from Jeff, an incredibly hot guy I had a crush on in high school, and he offered to come pick me up because I was drunk. Problem: He's a total asshole and pretty much only has one thing on his mind. Well, I won't go into details about all that. I'm an adult, and I accept responsibility for my actions. Sad part? He was the ONLY person who was willing to come pick up my drunk ass. Thanks friends!

And while riding with Jeff to Nashville, I had to start drunk texting a friend and saying a bunch of shit that was better left unsaid. I don't even remember half the shit I said...including posting status messages on facebook that I don't remember posting. My memory of Friday night is scattered. I have NEVER gotten drunk and not remembered stuff, but Friday night marks the first. I can't believe myself. I'm disappointed in myself, but at the same time, I don't care. From what I remember, I had fun and I said some things that I've thought for 6 or 7 years that ended up blowing up in my face, but at least they're out in the open now. They say alcohol is a truth serum...guess they're right. But it's also a memory suppressant and son of a bitch...of all the things I DON'T remember about that night....ugh! No fair! LOL

Through it all, there's always one person who I've come back to...after every break-up. One person who hasn't ever abandoned me. Someone who's always supported me for the most part. And hooray - I finally managed to make that all awkward & fucked up too. Can't wait to go see Alex and tell her all about this....maybe that's my problem....haven't had therapy in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, Jeff was concerned about how I might feel about the events of Friday night, and I made the comment that I'm an adult, and I'm to the point that I just don't care anymore. He said, "Don't be like that because then you'll be like me." I really am to the point where I don't care. FWB it is. I've never been that type, but I think it'll make things easier. I don't want a relationship, but sheesh, I am a 27-year-old female...lol. I'm at the gym regularly and feeling awesome and losing weight and starting to feel somewhat attractive again. It's time for me to have a little fun in life. I've been in constant relationships for the last 9 years. It's time for me to experience the part of life I never got to!

Music is my life.

2009-12-22T23:29:00.003-06:00

Anyone who knows me well knows I've grown up in Music City, and that I've grown up around all kinds of musicians, and I'm the cousin of world-famous country legend Kitty Wells. Music is my passion...it has been since I was a child. I come from a family of musicians. Music has been part of my life since birth....it's always been around me.

Rap is not music. Hip hop is not music. Marilyn Manson is not music. Lamb of God is not music. Taylor Swift is not music. Miley Cyrus is not music. Noise - yes. Music - no. Anyone who considers any of that garbage music has clearly not been exposed to the real stuff - real country, classic rock, Motown, swing, big-band, classical, etc. Growing up in Music City, I've been exposed to it all. I value a good voice and an amazing stage performance. KISS - not great singers, but amazing enough on stage that it doesn't matter. Ozzy - awesomely unique voice, insane stage performance - people pay to see that.

Adam Lambert - regardless of whether or not you agree with his sexuality, he's had years of training in theater. He has an amazing vocal range, and an incredible stage presence. He loves the camera and the camera loves him. He's gorgeous, talented, and his love of performing is reflected everytime he walks on stage. Adam Lambert won Idol - the contest was rigged due to rumors about his sexuality. For example, 38 million votes came from Arkansas, most of which were for Kris Allen, yet, only about 3 million people live in Arkansas. For Adam to be so allegedly talentless, he made it to the final round of a slew of talented performers, with votes of up to 100 million being tallied each week. That's not small potatoes. Yes, his new album is a little weird, but he can throw down on some rock tunes. Just because his new album isn't what everyone expected (and he had very little creative control over it, which is the norm for the final few each year), doesn't mean the next one won't be. His first album shouldn't discredit his talent.

And for the record, just because someone is a genius outside the studio, doesn't make them a musical genius inside the studio. That's like saying Miley Cyrus used her vocal talent to get where she is today - it's a total joke.

Why Aren't Things Getting Easier?

2009-12-21T23:30:00.002-06:00

Everyone has told me that "time will make things easier," and tons of other post-breakup garbage. If it were true, then why isn't it so? Things should be easing up, emotions should be getting weaker, I shouldn't be missing him as much, right? That couldn't be farther from the truth. I STILL sleep clutching our picture and his shirt every night. Maybe that's sad or pitiful or whatever, but hey, whatever gets me to sleep.

I pray every single night...first, for those at my church who are ill, secondly, for an acquaintance who is gearing up to take a team of soldiers to Iraq, and lastly, for God to use his majestic ways to show David the good times we had together, to show him how much I love him. Every night. God has spoken to me so much in recent months, and has sent me so many clear messages, but I wish more than ever that He would speak to me now. Speak to David. SHOW David.

I just can't seem to shake this. Everyone tells me I need to start dating to take my mind off things...how will that help? I loved all of David's little quirks...I don't wanna try to get to know someone else's quirks. To go sit there and pretend that I'm not in love with another person...that's just not me. That only leads to me hurting someone else, which I don't want to do.

I wish everyone could just understand that I'm ultra-sensitive right now and that I'm taking a lot of things to heart that I probably ordinarily wouldn't. I'm just being honest....things are really hard. Extremely hard. I wish that I could snap my fingers and make all the pain and depression go away, but I can't. Do I like being alone? No, I hate it. Despise it. Loathe it. But I can't help it right now...it wouldn't be smart or fair or wise for me to jump into a relationship with someone right now.

I want one of two things: 1) David back, or 2) For my broken heart to mend. For those of you who still can't understand, I'm terribly sorry. It is what it is. I will never apologize for being honest. You shouldn't have to apologize for love.

Life is so incredibly short.

2009-02-11T23:45:00.001-06:00

Remember back when you were little and 40 seemed so old? Hell, I remember thinking that 30 was old. It's funny how you perceive time as a kid - like life is never-ending and time will just go on forever. If only that were true, the only heartaches we'd ever have to learn to mend would be small ones.

My family buried my cousin today - Steven Ivey. He was only 41 years old, and father to three teenage sons. He was just a beautiful person - always the life of the party - smiling, cutting up, telling jokes, and always willing to help you if you needed help. He was supposed to get married this Saturday, February 14th, and was celebrating with some buddies at his bachelor party last Friday night. Suddenly he didn't feel well and asked to be taken home. Shortly after he arrived home, he collapsed and died. We're still awaiting autopsy results, but the number one theory right now is a blood clot that went to his heart. The two things that was repeated over and over again at the funeral was "Steve was always the first one to volunteer to help," and "If you weren't his friend, it didn't take him long to make you his friend." And let me tell you....by the capacity of the crowd there today - I can tell you that was true. I've never seen so many people packed into Harpeth Hills Funeral Home. It speaks wonders to the type of person he was....he impacted so many lives in his 41 short years, especially the lives of his children. He was described as "a man of velvet and steel."

You know, I only hope that when my day comes, I will have just as many folks show up for my funeral who will remember me as the person who always came to the rescue, or the person who always answered the phone at 2 a.m. when you were in crisis or just needed to talk - and more importantly - I hope to be remembered as someone who you could always depend on. I know my life has become extremely hectic and busy over the last several years, but anyone who knows me knows that if you need my help (even if it's just to lend an ear), I'm always there the first free moment I get.

My great aunt passed away on January 17th, and Kelly's uncle just prior to that, and now Steven - it's just a huge wake-up call. You always hear "life is short," but how often do you really take the time or get the opportunity to see how short life really is? Joe Martin, motivational speaker, says, "Once you're born, you're dying." Deep down, we all know that we're dying, but there's still that portion of our brain that thinks we have so much more time than we really have. Do any of us ever truly live like we're dying? In the last seven months, I've truly been trying to live like that - enjoy life, love people, be a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, a good granddaughter, etc.

None of us ever really think that when we're saying goodbye to someone as they're departing that it could literally be the last time you ever see that person alive. I know this blog is taking a morbid tone, but it's sincerely not meant to be interpreted that way. I just want you all to think about how you treat people throughout the day, and how you depart. Did you tell your mom you love her before you said goodbye? Did you thank your best friend for always being there for you? If it were the last time you saw that person, would you feel good about the last words spoken between the both of you? We don't take the time to think about these things, yet we should.

So, I will be sending out messages over the next several days to some friends and family members just letting you all know how I feel about you because in all honesty, who knows if I'll be here tomorrow or next week or next month or next year? I'm not real good with expressing my feelings to people, but I'm going to make an effort over the next several days to send a little message to those of you I'm closest to....after all, I may not ever get the chance to do it again, and I don't want to leave this earth with words left unspoken. None of us are ever promised tomorrow - we're only promised right now - so live like you're dying.

Don't blink

Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you

Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife

Don't blink

You just might miss your babies growing like mine did

Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"

Of fifty years is there in bed

And you're praying God takes you instead

Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think

So don't blink

- Kenny Chesney, excerpted from "Don't Blink"

Update, and life changes.

2009-01-21T23:06:00.005-06:00

For those who no longer have myspace (Kim...lol), I will be posting my myspace blogs here. Here's the latest (part of this applies to myspace, so just keep that in mind so it makes sense):

For those of you who don't know, my great aunt passed away on Saturday after a short illness. I know it sounds crazy, but I haven't had a good cry yet. I mean, I just handed the phone to my mom when my Aunt Shirley was on the other end telling me that my Aunt Lora had just died....I couldn't even speak. I went back to my room and cried a little, but nothing like what I expected I would. I didn't even cry at the funeral home. I just thought, "Wow, she looks good. They did a really good job." Is that morbid or wrong?

My aunt was in Vanderbilt on Wednesday, January 7th, and she had two balloons keeping her heart pumping. The doctor told the family there was nothing more that they could do, and that we needed to decide if we were going to leave them in or remove them - either way, they were temporary and would only last a couple of days at most. My family opted to remove them. We were told she wouldn't last more than two days. However, two days later, she was moved to Alive Hospice (which was much nicer, I might add).

I went to see her every single day with the exception of one, and that was spent with my best friend because her uncle had just passed away suddenly. But every other day - I was there - adjusting her bed, holding her hand, getting her water....so why haven't I cried? What's wrong with me? Part of me isn't sad that she's gone because she had gotten to the point in the final couple of days where she was only able to drink water from the end of a needleless syringe - she didn't have the strength to even drink from a straw anymore. She was barely eating....essentially, she was going to end up starving to death. I would hate for anyone I care about to meet their fate like that. Part of me believes she's up in Heaven bitching at my Uncle Gene for some stuff we jokingly reminded her of before her departure.

I have to be thankful for this: She stayed in good spirits up until the very end, I had over a week to spend time with her, joke with her, and tell her goodbye, and she didn't die in a struggle - she took one final deep breath and was gone. How many people are fortunate enough to get a week+ to say goodbye to their loved ones? I was so lucky, and now she is in a better place - or so I believe, anyway.

Changes

Like the old Sam Cooke song - "A change is gonna come." And for once I'm not talking about politics (though, I must mention that yesterday was highly reassuring and highly anticipated for me, and I was overjoyed to see Obama sworn into office, and at last, to see George W. Bush exiting the White House for the final time as "President" of the United States).

This is something I've been thinking about for a long time, and perhaps it was watching the life leave my aunt day after day that pushed me to the edge of evolution, but regardless, a change is gonna come.

There are people whom I have let stay in my life even though I know that they're either not good people, or they've intentionally tried to sabotage me in some form or fashion for some unknown reason. I've tried desperately to be a good friend to everyone, and why that same respect and graciousness hasn't been returned - I don't know, and I no longer care.

For the friends of mine who have been absolutely amazing to me - Kelly I., Kelly S., Michael, Jayme, Timbo, Kim - just to name a few, it's not fair for me to take time and effort away from the people who do treat me with kindness, dignity, and respect and give it to someone who is complacent, malicious, sneaky, vindictive, troublesome, and/or hateful. I mean, why remain "friends" with someone if you truly care nothing about helping them out, seeing them succeed, or simply just attempting to be a true friend? That tells me that you either have alterior motives, or you just like hanging around to see what kind of drama you can stir up - that ends now.

I am also walking away from anyone with ties to my negative past. I feel like the only way to truly move forward is to put your past behind you, and that is exactly what I intend to do. I am happy with myself internally for the first time in years. My friend Kelly said this is the happiest she's seen me in 10 years. TEN YEARS, PEOPLE! My happiness doesn't come from anyone - for once, it comes from within myself, and it took me a lot of time, effort, and realization to make it out of the darkness into this amazing light. I can't let negative influences lure me back into the darkness, so, in the next several days, you'll see my number of friends decrease.

For the people who I don't talk to and don't talk to me - you're gone. For the people who are iconic of my negative past - outta here. For the people who have tried intentionally to bring me down - gone.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have
imagined." - Henry David Thoreau

"Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live
forever." - Gandhi

"Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your
future lies." - Ann Landers

"Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up
depends on us." - Thomas L. Holdcroft

I want to be polished - not grinded down - and the only way for that to happen is for me to continue to forge ahead and make positive changes. I have changed my attitude, I have changed my outlook on life, I have even changed my eating habits....but I haven't changed the people who I allow into my life. That's my next step in moving forward. So, if you disappear, you at least have an explanation of why.

This has nothing to do with being hateful or being a bitch or anything of the sort - quite the contrary, actually. I would like to think that if someone was bringing you down or holding you back, you would do the same - set yourself free to live the life that you have imagined. That's simply what I'm doing....cutting some strings to allow myself to fly even higher.

Tomorrow Changes Everything.

2008-11-03T21:51:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow is Election Day. I'm anxious, excited, nervous, and hopeful. It's no secret that I am a loyal Democrat who voted for Barack Obama - that's pretty widely known by anyone who knows me. I have learned more about politics in the last two years than I ever thought possible, even taking a Political Science class in school for fun (though, fun is not the word I would use to describe it now!). I have pondered over so many things throughout the course of this brutal election season, and I have very much come into my political skin.

I have always been a Democrat, as long as I can remember. As a matter of fact, when I was in kindergarten back in 1988 (so long ago!), we had mock elections. Who to vote for - George Bush or Michael Dukakis? Well, even then, I voted for the Democratic candidate - Michael Dukakis. I know what you're thinking, and no, my political foundations were not formed at age 5, but I did find it rather funny thinking all the way back to kindergarten and realizing that I was little Democrat back then...lol.

I've always been a people's person. What is that? I wouldn't say that I necessarily believe in distribution of wealth, but I do believe in fair taxation. And I do believe in everyone looking out for their fellow man - if your neighbor is starving and you have an extra piece of bread, give it to them. I'm just the type of person that believes that we are all in this thing together, and that we should all try to help each other as much as we can. The fact that a third of this country doesn't have healthcare is astonishing to me. The fact that people are dying because they can't afford healthcare is disturbing and heartbreaking to me.

Anyway, not to delve too much into my political rantings, but tomorrow changes everything. Will we get four more years of a Bush-like administration, or will we be blessed with someone new and different, someone who allows us to hope once again? The next president will leave office in January 2013, assuming there's no reelection. I'll be thirty years old. Sure, that doesn't sound too old to some of you, but when you're nearing 26, thirty seems like a million years away.

If all goes well, I will hopefully be a wife and a mother by age thirty, so the next presidential administration will very much so have an impact on my life. It's terrifying thinking that I may have to endure four more years like the last eight. If that ends up being the case, I will have to postpone family life, because if things continue as they are, I won't be able to afford to have a family during this next administration. It's scary...the last 4 years of my life have been horrible financially, and much of that is due to an ailing economy.

I'm ready for change. I'm ready to be able to hope again, and when Barack Obama speaks, he gives me hope. I feel passionate about politics, and passionate about this country when Obama speaks. I feel like the American Dream is truly achievable when he speaks. I only hope that enough others feel the same way I do and choose wisely tomorrow, because tomorrow changes everything.

No, not NOW!

2008-09-28T23:06:00.003-05:00

I have the biggest interview of my young life tomorrow morning at the Tennessee Democratic Party, and afterwards, I need to go get all of my "Intent to Graduate" paperwork filled out because it's the last day I'm going to have time to do it, and now, guess what? My battery light is flashing continuously on my car!! Checked the battery, connections are tight, no apparent problems. The battery is only about two years old, so this is way too early to be having problems out of it. As if my air compressor problems haven't been bad enough. So now, I have to solve the problem with the blower on my air conditioner, AND figure out what the hell is going on with my battery! GRRRR! My only other alternative is to drive my mom's truck which I can't see out of, and I can't afford to put gas in (It's $100 just to fill it up).

I got a little bit of grant money from school which I was going to use to put tires on my car, but now I owe $500 in gas on my credit card, and now the battery problem (which I pray isn't the alternator). My dad was supposed to put the blower on my car this weekend, but he ended up at the freakin' hospital yesterday and is gonna have to have his gall bladder removed, which means no air for a good while in my car unless I come up with the $70/hour for labor at the dealership. GRRR!

All will work out, it just sucks right now!

Sometimes It's Best to Keep to Yourself

2008-09-25T00:18:00.004-05:00

I've made a decision...From here on out, I'm not going to offer to help anyone unless they ask for help. I mean, I'm still gonna open doors for handicapped folks, and pick up stuff if someone drops it, but for the real hardcore issues - nah.

I have this overwhelming urge to always try to fix everyone and/or their problems, and it's something that I really need to stop. While my intentions are always honorable, it just ends up causing me problems that I don't need (I have enough of those already). I've gotta stop jumping in and offering up help because I think it causes me to some times overstep my boundaries, and that's not my intention. But regardless, it's one of my "issues" that I need to work on, a habit that I need to break.

I've done it with people I've dated, I do it with friends, I do it with random acquaintances that I might happen to strike up a conversation with - and I don't know why I still continue to do it because I have yet to fix anyone or solve anyone's problems. I guess it's just the humanitarian in me who always wants to lessen everyone else's pain, all the while, I'm just creating a pain of sorts for myself. I'm just the type of person who would rather take someone else's pain upon myself than to watch someone I care about be in distress. This is a blessing and a curse, I guess you could say. It's helped me to create some inseparable bonds, but it's also caused tension.

So, if you need my help with something, don't hesitate to ask. I just can't be jumping into other peoples' issues anymore. This is better for everyone, but I'm still always gonna be here for my friends....the only difference is that you may just have to actually ask for my help this time because I don't want to intrude on anyone's lives.

Some Things I've Learned About Life

2008-09-24T15:04:00.002-05:00

Looking around at both people I know and people who I'm slightly acquainted with, it's just made me realize how far I've truly come in life. Yes, I'm still in college, and yes, I live with my parents, but this is only temporary - simply the means to get me to the next step in life. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do in order to move forward, but so long as you keep a clear head and a constant focus on a positive end-goal, I think you'll be just fine.

Some things I've learned throughout the years....

If you don't try, you won't succeed.
If you sit around waiting for things to just magically come to you, I hope you have a really comfortable chair because you're gonna be there for a good while.
Hanging out in bars all the time only gets you two things: 1) in trouble, 2) and conformation to your surroundings.
Life is too short to be bitter and angry about everything all the time: If you don't like your life - CHANGE IT.
If you don't care to make the changes necessary to make things better for yourself, then don't complain when things go awry because there's a 99% chance that it's no one's fault but your own.
Don't borrow money if you don't intend to pay it back.
Help your friends when you can, and the good ones will reciprocate.
There are some people that no matter how hard you try to help them, they're always gonna be worthless, hateful, lazy, dishonest, disrespectful, irresponsible, ignorant, etc.
Don't buy things you can't afford.
If you have children, don't let them run rampant through stores, parking lots, down streets, etc.
Better yet, if you have children - keep your eyes on them at all times (and obey the leash law! Ha!)!
If you have children and still spend a good majority of your life on the bar scene - your priorities are f*cked up.
Sometimes you have to work a crappy job to get ahead in life.
Don't rely on others for things you can do for yourself.
You've gotta be able to take a step back, look at your life, and ask yourself, "Is this where I wanna be?"
Always remember to say thank you - those two little words are more powerful than you know.
Tell the people you love how you feel about them (at least say "I love ya" from time to time).
Never take life for granted.
Enjoy the simple things in life.
Live each day like it's your last.
Never go to bed angry.
Milk and alcohol are NOT a good combination.
Wait, that last one was sort of off-course wasn't it? Oops, I guess this one is too.
Get in touch with your spiritual side - it will save you in your darkest hours.
Pull over to the side of the road for emergency vehicles (yes, that's a little off-course too, but I had to mention it since an ambulance driver practically had to shove two cars out of the way to get them to move today).
When you find yourself getting upset with someone - empathize. Put yourself in their shoes and see if it changes your reaction.
Do random kind things for people on a regular basis and you will smile every single day.
Blogging helps relieve stress.

100 Random Things About Me

2008-09-21T00:57:00.000-05:00

My friend Heather did one of these a while back as part of her Blogging 101 post, so I felt compelled to do the same. Much the same, I don't even know if I can come up with 100 things about myself, but I'm gonna give it a shot.

I won't drink the last glass of tea from a tea container because those little tea grains gross me out.
My friend Jayme calls me "Lisser."
I met my boyfriend over two and a half years ago on MySpace, we met in person 7 months later, and we've been together ever since.
The only precious metal that I'm not allergic to is real gold.
I won't eat or drink after anyone, including my own boyfriend.
I'm a germophobe and I carry hand sanitizer with me everywhere I go.
People who drive slow in the hammer down lane really piss me off.
I despise my father so much that when I get married, not only do I not want him at the wedding, but I definitely don't want him giving me away.
I don't really care for sweets because they make me sick, but sometimes I have a craving and give in, and then get really nauseous afterwards.
I can't sleep with socks on.
I can't sleep when it's hot....I have an air conditioner, 2 pedestal fans and a ceiling fan going in my room every night...even in the wintertime sometimes.
I sleep with about 7 pillows on my bed unless David is home....and they all serve a purpose.
I have canvas totes that I take to the store so I can be more green, but 80% of the time I forget and leave them in the car.
My second toe is longer than my big toe. Yep, I'm ~~a freak of nature~~ unique.
I've had the same cell phone carrier and phone number since I was 17 years old.
I own my own pool stick and bowling ball.
I love going to the shooting range.
I am a very competitive sports fan.
I hate the New England Patriots, the Detroit Redwings, and the Boston Red Sox.
My favorite hockey team is the St. Louis Blues.
I love to sing, but I get really nervous when singing in front of people.
My mom owned an auto parts store for 30+ years, so that's where I spent nearly half my life.
I was the only chick in my auto mechanics class.
I was only the second student in 20 years to pass the Safety Exam with a 100 on the first try in auto mechanics (you had to pass it with a 100 before you could work in the shop), and I was the very first female to do so.
If it wasn't obvious from the previous 3 random facts, I absolutely love cars - especially classic sports cars from the 60's & 70's.
I'm a die-hard Honda girl.
I would love to run in a demolition derby one day.
I have been to game 1 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs every year Nashville has played in them.
I don't believe in organized religion.
I haven't been to church since I was 16.
I'm a very spiritual person.
I believe in ghosts.
My number one fear is losing my mom.
I have a Private Coach tattoo on my left ankle with my own custom art - a treble clef surrounded by flames.
My friend Patti and I got our tattoos together.
I drove all the way to St. Louis to see Prince in concert (and to go to a Blues game).
I drove all the way to Atlanta to see Black Label Society in concert.
A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle changed my life.
I really want to go to law school.
French fries + ranch dressing = yum.
99% of the time when I go to a restaurant (regardless of which restaurant), I order the exact same thing: a grilled chicken sandwich and a side salad.
I love to scrapbook.
I am obsessed with taking pictures of everything.
I often find myself crying during Oprah.
Speaking of crying, I cried several times during The Notebook.
Pay It Forward is one my favorite movies, and I try to spread its message and live its message whenever possible.
"Alright, alright, alright" - Matthew McConaughey is just freakin' hot, right down to the Southern accent.
Taylor Hicks can sing to me anytime he wants - I will gladly oblige.
Speaking of Taylor Hicks, I have 2 posters of him on my wall (and 2 more giant ones in poster tubes that won't fit on my walls).
My computer desk contains pictures of many of the people who matter most to me - David, Kelly, Jayme, Patti, Michael, Travis, and others.
I think I know the words to every Journey song.
I won't leave the house without makeup.
I wore the ring that Brent gave me so long without taking it off, that I now have scarred tissue in that finger (my ring finger!).
I no longer wear that ring.
The next ring that goes on that finger will be an engagement ring.
I am a total cheapskate - I shop around for days online before making a final buying decision.
My 1992 Honda Accord LX has rust spots, dents, 230K miles, and has been rear-ended twice since I've had it, but I've driven it for 6 years and I absolutely love that little car.
I read food labels religiously at the grocery store before I buy something.
85% of the stuff I buy is sugar-free, no sugar added, or contains no high-fructose corn syrup.
Yet I'm still overweight.
Bonefish Grill is the best restaurant EVER.
I want to own a wide-variety no-kill animal shelter when I grow up.
I have over 20 hours of stuff on my TiVo box waiting to be watched.
I think I love Jon Stewart.
I absolutely love beer, but I don't drink very often.
I was a huge pothead back in my teen years.
I haven't done ANY drugs since June 2001.
When I quit doing drugs, I completely rearranged my priorities and ditched the vast majority of my friends.
I was an Honor Roll student all through middle and high school.
I've been on the Dean's List every semester since I've been in college.
I'm obsessed with politics.
Stem cell research fascinates me.
I HATE rap music.
I love nature photography.
I wish Extreme Makeover would come fix up my mom's house so she doesn't keep trying to do it herself (she's too old to do the stuff she does).
I was once fired from a job for not coming in on my day off.
When David is home, we mostly just lay in bed, cuddle, and watch TV.
I love pedicures.
I already have my wedding dress picked out, even though I haven't been asked that very important question yet.
I have my invitations picked out too.
And my tiara.
And my bridesmaids dresses.
I've always wanted to be proposed to at a hockey game via the JumboTron.
My favorite restaurant would be good too, I guess.
I really want a Honda Shadow (that's a motorcycle for those of you non-auto-savvy folks).
My dream is to own a huge farm in the Kingston Springs/Pegram area and to build a house for David & I, but also a house for my mom so she's always close by.
I like doing nice little things for random strangers.
I'm a stickler for good customer service.
I totally dig pilates.
Jack in the Box in Bellevue gave me a wicked case of food poisoning this summer.
I already have my kids' names picked out.
I love it when friends have babies because I get to shop for baby clothes - I LOOOOOVE baby clothes.
I have an aunt that I've never met, whom I've been trying to find for several years with no success.
I want to join the Peace Corps after I raise a family.
And I want David to go with me.
My dream honeymoon is a week in Ireland and a week in Scotland touring haunted castles.
Oh, and the beer manufacturing plants.
I hate wearing shoes, but floors gross me out, so I usually just compromise with flip-flops.
I once ran into Steve McNair at Kroger.
I can't live without my cell phone.

Oh my God! I actually did it - 100 things!

Opening Day in Lissa Town!

2008-09-20T00:18:00.000-05:00

Alrighty, so I've done the MySpace thing and I don't get the comments like I used to, so I thought maybe I should just give blogger a try. Besides, I wanted a fresh slate.

So, onto my thoughts for the day.....

This gas crisis is INSANE! In Nashville tonight, there were cars lined up down Highway 70 trying to get into the BP station - the only station in Bellevue with gas. In Fairview, there were cars lined down Highway 96 and police officers directing traffic in and out of the Flying J it was so hectic. I, myself, stopped to fill up tonight around 10pm, only to find myself waiting for 15 minutes just to get to a pump. Then, just trying to get out of the parking lot was a whole 'nother obstacle. Looking around at all the license plates during my wait time, I realized that people had driven from Dickson, Nashville, and Kingston Springs all the way to Fairview just to find gas. And this is the norm according to the news - Franklin, Brentwood, Nashville - no gas to be found for the most part (For once, Fairview has something that Franklin & Brentwood doesn't - HA!). I have never seen anything like this in my entire life! Supposedly the Nashville pipeline is back up and running, so we can expect things to return to normal some time next week.

I had a facility tour on Thursday night at UPS on White's Creek Pike, and I had an interview tonight, and then I go for another on Tuesday night after class. It's going to be a tough job - very physical, very strenuous, crappy hours. BUT - after a year of employment (sooner if you get promoted to management, which is my goal), you receive free full-time benefits, including tuition reimbursement and healthcare. The money is pitiful, but I see the long-term benefits being well worth it, so let's just hope that I get it, and more importantly, let's hope I can get in there and stick it out (I believe I can). If I get the job at UPS, I may re-apply at Macy's for a couple evenings a week (since I'll be driving to Nashville already anyway). But, one thing at a time, let's see how it goes.

I turned down an amazing job today, and it broke my heart to have to do it. I received a call from a booking company in Nashville who wanted someone to contract with to design press kits and websites for up-and-coming bands. They already have 25 bands on the list that need services ASAP. I just don't feel comfortable enough with web design yet, and I was honest with the guy about it. He thanked me for being honest with him, and he said he'll keep my information on file and try to give me a call back in a few months if he has work for me. That job would've been absolutely PERFECT for me - using my degree AND working in the music industry - a dream come true. I'm utterly heartbroken, but I can't put my name on something professionally if it's less than perfect, and I don't know enough about CSS layouts in web design yet to offer perfection.

I haven't slept well (or much) in a couple of weeks now. It's go, go, go and busy, busy, busy - I just need a break. I need to figure out a way to slow down for a little while and get caught up on school stuff and sleep. I'm freakin' exhausted!

Speaking of exhausted, I think it's bedtime!